Saturday, March 28, 2009

Taft was a pimp

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Furry Dicks!

But without the dicks.

I'm editing this post to be more dick-friendly.

Also, here's a monkey jokey:

Q: What did the monkey say to the researcher?

A: I'm going apes for a cure for AIDS!

Here are some adoooorable fuzzy animals!



Monkey Jokes?

Hyenerds! We have come to a time of Crisis! Each of our entries seems to be somehow dick/grundle/boob/poop based! These are all wonderful topics, but we must reorganize!

Hyenerds, I suggest a forum.
Give us Monkey Jokes?

I'll start. This one is an old favorite. 'OOK-OOK-AHHH!'

Get it? Because world leaders can be power hungry.

Hyenerds! let loose!

What I Learned at Hyena Comedy

The Simpsons did it.

The best kind of gay sex involves running, yelling, and penis collisions.

The Onion did it.

Sounding is the new Rubinton.

In the future poop will poop people (or, poop will people people).

A 1970's Stretch Armstrong is worth exactly as much as Hyena Comedy (decide which one is more entertaining).

Jon had a black penis inside him last week (in his penis).

A several knives in a severed penis is better than one knife in your penis.

Washington Monument not actually a penis.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

How to See Titties Everywhere - A Hyena Craft

Hey now, boys and girls! Crappo the Clown here, with a fun Hyena Magazine "Craft 'O The Month" to keep your obnoxious traps quiet for two hours! Today's craft will allow you to see tittilating titties wherever your eye may roam, from at preschool to your very own home!

Empty toilet paper tube

1. Put the paper towel tube up to your eye.
2. Stand directly in front of a circular object. This can be a wall sconce, the sun, an actual boob, your father, etc.
3. Look through the tube, centering the object evenly from all sides of the tube. You've got yourself a tittie right there!

How Does It Work?
The basic structure of a boob looks like this:
So when you are putting the tube up to your eye, you are creating the outer-rim of the boob, or what jug experts call the "soft perimeter". The circular object you are looking at is the areola, or "hard perimeter". It's as simple as that! Except you didn't think of it, old Crappo did.

Horses Own Hollywood

I have an idea for a movie I'm currently developing that I hope to shoot in the near future. We go up the streets of Boston to find a haggard individual holding up a sign. The individual is a horse. The horse is holding up a sign which says 'The End is Neigh'.

I will need 250,000$ in backing to start myself off.

Any takers?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

British. Porn.

Your eyes do not deceive you! I have been gathering and watching a hell of a lot of 1970s-and-earlier porn lately for a media production project (or is this just a cover for my ratlike hoarding of sexy movies in order to feed a debilitating addiction?). The most positively classic porno I have found so far is a British one from the 70's, so high-class it goes without so much as a title. However, the company which produced it is called "Sexangle". It's logo is a triangle with a naked lady's legs incorporated. Like I said, high-class!
Perhaps you have seen Family Guy's parody of British porn. This is funny because it seems true. You will laugh even harder to know that IT IS TRUE! The people in this movie have voices that could kill the hardest of hard-ons and dry the wettest of vulvas. You know i'm only posting about this because.....I have sound clips!

I'm not even going to go into the music, especially in the second clip. But do you see what I mean with the voices? It sounds like they're making plans for a droll daytrip or discussing how they'll divy up the work on their upcoming business trip. I don't know, maybe the idea of a firm schedule of events is hot in England? One more thing I want to show you before I go is the ending screen:Until next time, smoking penis!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Poop Jokes: An Eager Defense

I’ve been writing jokes for a long time people, good jokes, bad jokes, confusing jokes and poorly worded jokes, and one thing I’ve found in my experience is that no joke beats the poop joke. One can’t be sure why that is, or what about the poop joke is so immediately eye catching and chuckle inducing. 
         The formula is simple, you take an every day situation, such as oh, a gentleman buying a fine monocle, fill him with the utmost grace, polish and dignity, and, when the moment strikes, the gentleman poops his pants. A pants drop may also work, one particularly with a slide whistle sound effect placed for comic effect, yet the poop joke is crueler, and deeper. It betrays our faliure to ourselves as human beings and our faliure to ourselves as men, as we crawl back to our infancy, the poop joke illuminates all, makes kings of fools and fools of kings.

   Watch the poop joke improve these once classic masterpieces. Let’s begin with Waiting for Godot.

(coldly.) There are times when I wonder if it wouldn't be better for us to part.
You wouldn't go far. 

(A brief pause ensues. A loud fart rings out. It seems Vladimir has pooped himself.)

Already the qaulity of Becket’s existential masterpiece is improved while sacrificing none of the message. The sad nature of Waiting for Godot is only improved if you realize that not only are Vladimir and Estragon leading meaningless lives, but one of them is leading a meaningless life with poop in his pants! The message is only strengthened. You are welcome Mr. Beckett.

While we are in the realm of absurdist theatre, let us consider Eugene Ionesco’s amazing Rhinoceros, a story which shows us a society which follows the will of a mass who itself does not understand what it follows, using an enraged herd of rhinoceros as its metaphor. I believe that Ionesco, as to not to shock the rather conservative audience at the time, has chosen not to illustrate the massive amount of poop that such a mass of free roaming animals would create, as he may be called a 'libertine'. But only a fool would disagree that Rhinoceros is not improved if one imagines, that as Berenger is giving his final impassioned speech he is all the while, slipping about on animal feces, most likely comically swinging his arms about, stumbling about and going 'a-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!'.

Again, we also have to understand that some people are simply too cool to poop themselves. Take for example Holden Caufield from J.D. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye. Were he to defecate himself, it would be tragic. Was a passing hobo to poop himself, ‘chuckles aplenty’ would be simply the only way to fairly describe it. This, I’ve found is the way to go. Poop jokes applied to real people are rarely funny. Gahndi, Martin Luther King jr. and Charlie Chaplin are all not very amusing when pooping (I assume this is why Chaplin worked silent. He knew once the world realizing he cannot make a noisy poo funny, it would abandon him very swiftly. This is very similar to the silent film actors’ poor voices and their finished careers in the sound era.). However real celebrity figures such as Brad Pitt, J. Lo and killer robots are all very amusing when doing the act so described. So there are indeed exceptions to the rule. 

Ladies, gentlemen. Some have attempted to dethrone the poop joke, particularly on Hyena, whose president and constituents have made the rather absurd claim that the dick joke is funnier. I can’t completely disagree with it, it has it merits, as proven by the maste Samuel Beckett himself:

What about hanging ourselves?
Hmm. It'd give us an erection.
(highly excited). An erection! 

To the superficial observer this is quite comical. But an erection can often lead to intercourse, which can lead to babies, the most horrifying creature of all!

I invite any Hyena to come on this blog, and prove me wrong about the dick vs. poop joke debate! Prove me wrong friends, prove me wrong!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Perfectly Serviceable Ways to Utilize a Dominatrix in your Story: Part One

As a writer you have many challenges, the greatest of which is how to put your dominatrix into a story in a way that is both flattering and respectful. I know when I was penning my last Oprah Award winning novel, The Road, I racked my brain and slaved for weeks attempting to put my dominatrix, Madame Y, into the story  but I failed. Ultimately, I've learned from my mistakes, and below is the first of many examples of perfectly serviceable ways to utilize a dominatrix in your story!

Part One
The Dominatrix gets a new client, a multi dimensional imp. As she abuses him, he cackles in a vile manner, but not before jumping into a porthole back to his backwards dimension. Angry at being denied her pay, the dominatrix jumps after him. The dominatrix now lives in a world where up is down and down is up, where cats are dogs and dogs are lazy dogs, a backworlds world. She tries to start her business again, but pain is already pleasure in the other dimension, and she finds herself throwing away her whip and chains to try to find a new line of work. However, because down is up, when she throws the chains away, the fly up and whip God in the face. Enraged, God comes down to yell at her, but finds her dominatrix charms irresistable. He returns the dominatrix to her dimension, her wages restored, to whip submissive men another day.

User Rating: 4 out of 5

Casting if Story is to be Optioned as Movie:

Kristen Schaal as The Dominatrix
Eugene Mirman as The Imp
God as Himself

Hope this helps you out young writers!
-Cormac McCarthy

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Bitter Watchmen Review

When I first read Watchmen back in high school, I liked it well enough, but I felt like something was missing. And that something was a guy getting his arms chopped off with a chainsaw or bones flying through arms. 'So overrated! This is the worst superhero /slasher comic ever!', I said. Thank goodness Zack Snyder picked up on this and amended it in the movie.

Likewise, when I adapt 1984, instead of having Big Brother brainwash Winston, I'm going to have him gracefully hack apart his head with a cleaver. Its more artistic that way.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Things that sound like grundle

Hi Laughkateers! In the spirit of anatomical haha's, I am here to tell you a story.
I only recently learned the word "grundle". While visiting UConn, a rather large business major stomped down my boyfriend's hall and yelled "IT'S HOT AS GRUNDLE IN HERE." I spent the rest of the weekend asking said boyfriend what the hell that meant. He was too grossed out to tell me. A quick web search when I got home led me to this definition. Ew! But also, hilarious! Now that I know the word grundle, I hear it everywhere. Did you ever notice how many words there are in the English language that sound like grundle? Obviously not. Here's a list.

1. Grendel
You know, Beowulf's nemisis:
(Pictured here as seen by Cathlolics) Grendel probably smelled as bad as a grundel. But he was significantly more active. You know what's worse? There's a restaurant in Harvard Square called Grendel's Den. I think my mental association will prevent me from eating there.

2. Grundo
Perhaps this is a reference lost on many readers, but it's true.The Grundo is a Neopet. The worst part is when a Brown Grundo is mentioned.

3. The Grundel
Not the thing! The Ghostbusters cartoon ghost!
I don't know if anyone else remembers this cartoon. It was originally made in the later 80s, and was rerun on a number of channels throughout the 90s (I watched it on Nickelodeon). It was also the reason why Slimer was on our orange flavored Hi-C juice boxes for so long. The Grundel was pretty much a child molestor. He had all kinds of lines about taking children away. One such memorable line: "So fresh, so pure, but not for long." That's some messed up shit. I wonder if grundel was a slang word for a taint when he was created? Who knows. His face kind of looks like one.

Ok, so really there are only three examples that I can think of. But it was three more than you were thinking of just now, I can guarentee you that! Leave me comment if you think of anything else. Stay tuned for more irrelevant musings from the Hyena crew!

EDIT: How is it that I forgot the Gromble? Thank you indeed Alex!
He was the teacher on Aah! Real Monsters!, another Nickelodeon classic. They seem to like characters with grundley names there. What does this say about the network?!?!?!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Point of Order

While I appreciate the enthusiasm, I think there's something important to note here, Hyenalings.
While someone with great comedic aplomb thought to title this blog "Dick Jokes for Justice" this is a mere moniker - a trick of nomenclature that in no way limits us to EXCLUSIVELY dick jokes.

Let's diversify here, team! As of this point I will also accept jokes about the following:
a. Testicles
b. Taints and/or grundles
c. Seminal vesicles
d. Semen in general
e. Semen in specific
f. The prostate gland
g. Obelisks

All right then.
Carry on.

no iustice just tits (more humor, less grab-ass)

Two men stand in an open field. One man asks the other if he would like to shoot skeet. The other man says yes. One whips out a shotgun, the other whips out his dick. One man loses his eye, the other loses his dick. They laugh heartily. 

A man is on trial for murder. When asked if he pleads innocent or guilty he tells every dick joke he knows. He is swiftly sentenced to death by Vagina Monologue. Justice is served. Refreshments are not.

Spotted dick

get it?

Beloved Dick Jokes

'A Jew, a Muslim and a Priest walk into a bar. The bartender is an enormous bulging dick. Very confused the three aforementioned individuals decide to go to another bar.'

‘An aging Richard Nixon, long out of office, shares a drink with his old Vice President Gerald Ford. ‘You know Ford, I never really realized why they called me ‘Tricky Dick’.’ Ford sighed to himself and glanced morosely at the president. ‘I guess they thought you were a dick’. ‘Ah’, muttered Nixon and the pair stared silently into the edge of the ocean.’

'A young man is planning to ask his girlfriend to marry him that evening under the stars. Unfortunately his dick fell off in the shower. He will have to wait another day.'

'Two dicks go to the carnival. They have a pretty good time, unfortunatley one of them lost their wallet on the tilt-a-whirl. This tainted the rest of the evening.'

‘A penis slipped on a banana peel. It came everywhere. It was moderately sexy.’

‘A young man is eagerly giving his male friend a blowjob. ‘This isn’t gay, is it?’, he asks, a tinge of worry in his voice. The other gentleman thinks for a moment and answers ‘you know what! I guess it is!’ Somewhere an aging dog silently breathes her last breath and falls into eternal slumber.’


Dick Jokes for Justice is Born!

In order to get his parents to get together, Marty McFly must go back to the far off time of 2008 and, to get his parents to kiss, he writes a romantic blog entry. 

Upon seeing this sight, a local picked up the payphone and gave a call to his cousin. 'Hyena! Hyena! Its me Ronnie! Ronnie Comedy-Magazine! You know that new 21st century technique of world wide communcation you were looking for!? Well listen to this!'

Ronnie Comedy Magazine then put the phone up to Marty McFly's typing. Hearing nothing but clicking, Hyena Comedy Magazine promptly went back to mastrubating to its own reflection.

And that's how Dick Jokes for Justice was Born.

I hereby claim this blog for the Motherland!