Dick Jokes For Justice

A Bronze Relief of the Mighty Dick Forest

2010-08-15T19:07:00.001-07:00

Just try to say "bronze relief of the mighty dick" without getting totally turned on.

Scott Fisher

2010-04-27T13:10:00.003-07:00

Jackie Liebergott on MTV Cribs

2010-04-27T13:10:00.001-07:00

Jackie makes it rain on dem ho's

And Now For Our Explosive Conclusion...

2010-02-09T19:23:00.000-08:00

Home for the Hollandaise

2010-01-21T00:21:00.000-08:00

Here's one for the good times:

2010-01-16T19:48:00.000-08:00

Here's a lesson for all of your marketing students. This is how you repackage a product:

So... they're laxatives? "That puffy, hard feeling in my stomach that has made me uncomfortable for years has gone down in just a few days. I felt the difference in my pants and skirts right away." Wow, imagine being constipated for several years. Well now she looks and feels great but she should probably wash her pants and skirts.

100th Post: Family Portrait

2010-01-02T20:12:00.001-08:00

A Merry Country Christmas From Aiden, Buck, Cyndi, and Beth.
HAPPY 100!

Emerson Joke #37: Fellini in a Bikini

2009-12-19T17:51:00.001-08:00

...It rhymes!

Fishing for Fisher

2009-12-09T22:47:00.000-08:00

If we ever do pursue that super-awesome idea of having a launch party/stand-up/reading shindig for one of our publications, we should combine it with the other awesome idea of that revolves around Scott Fisher asking the student body crazy things about via a facebook group. My idea was that we could do the article about something funny and then later host the launch party/comedy night even and call it "Should Scott Fisher Poop on a Pigeon? Come and and Voice your Opinion!"

and Scott should host or something. And then all the posters would be pictures of scott photoshopped with pigeons. Here is an example:

I don't know if this is a valid idea or if it's even slightly funny, but whatever it is I am going to continue creating pictures of Scott Fisher in compromising positions with pigeons and posting them here. If you don't like it you can suck it.

Enjoy!

Cliffhanger

2009-12-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

Craft of the Month: November!

2009-12-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

Hey there kiddlins! It's your old pal Crappo back from rehab with a brand new lease on life. This month I will be taking Step 1 and apologizing to you for all the horrible things I did during my time of darkness...WITH A CRAFT!

Did you ever wish you could eat your Cocoa Sugar Smacky Puffs Cereal Product out of something other than a boring old bowl? What about something like the bottom of someone's skull?!

Materials
Human skull, dead and de-eyeballed (available at ethnic supermarkets)
Carrot peeler
Cleaver
Electronic mixer
Fine-grit sandpaper

Steps
1. Flay the skin from the bone. For this you may use a "chop and peel" technique, or simply scrape it away layer by layer with the carrot peeler.
2. Remove the excess bone. Using the cleaver, chop the skull off just above the eye sockets. Some may wish to keep the face bones for dramatic effect. If this is the case, use the brainstem hole as a starting point to slowly sand away an opening large enough for your mixer.
3. Use the electronic mixer to liquefy the brains. You may want to get a parent to help you with this part. The brain slurry can be used as a fertilizer for your butterfly garden or as a base for delicious gravy.
4. Sand the skull's surface smooth. Make sure to wash it thoroughly when you are done to remove all the bone dust.
5. Go to jail for 40 years.
6. When you get out on good behavior, pour yourself a bowl of your favorite sugary corn cereal and settle in for a Flintstones-filled Saturday morning while your mother cries silently in the background!

Stay tuned for old Crappo's next craft, and DARE to resist drugs and alcohol!

Happy Turducken Day!

2009-11-26T22:44:00.001-08:00

Hope you fools had a food-stuffed day of American gluttony and Imperialism!

Turduckens: Genetically engineered Super Soldiers, protecting America from hunger for the last 15 years.

What Might Have Been

2009-11-18T05:00:00.000-08:00

As the president and legal guardian of this illustrious, irreverent band of misfits, ne'er-do-wells and criminal cases, I am often caught up in the bureaucracy of things, rather than the comedy of it all. Long hours are spent doing things you chuckleteers might find tedious (and let's be honest, utterly unfathomable) such as:
1. Making lists of all the things you haven't done for me lately...
2. Designing our fair publication
3. Sending emails about things to people to request said things so that other people (namely myself) may turn those things into the ultimate thing - the aforementioned fair publication.
4. Desperately trying to remember all of your names

I do, however, find the time in my busy schedule of KiCkAsSeRy!!?! and logistics to create humor of an unparalleled quality so that others might know my might and worship it. When given an assignment for the best Freakin' Beakin this college will have ever seen, one cannot take it lightly - visual jokes must be made with careful thought, ruthless aplomb and a fierce dedication to the core of humor reflected in the article it accompanies.

Needless to say, the following photo features none of those things.

But I still think it's pretty fucking funny.

Enjoy.

2nd Amendment

2009-11-14T14:39:00.001-08:00

James Bond is Sad

2009-11-02T09:08:00.001-08:00

JAMES BOND HAS SUCCUMBED TO DEPRESSION

Shooting Draft 4

INT. TORTURE CHAMBER- NIGHT

JAMES BOND awakens, still woozy from the knock out drops and looks around. He does not recognize the room around him, a posh well decorated living room set. James jumps on guard. It almost looks too normal; except for the P.A. system coming out of the wall.

JAMES

Goddamit Goldfinger. I don't have time for this.

GOLDFINGER (over PA)

Ah, but I think you do Mr. Bond. You've taken a royal poop all over my plans for a good long time now, and I say now its my turn to play with you. Look under the chair Mr. Bond.

James Bond nervously looks around the room.

GOLDFINGER

I say you best do it Mr. Bond, one wrong move and the entire room may simply self destruct. Now be a good old boy and look under the chair.

James Bond looks under the chair and removes a cake.

GOLDFINGER

Ahahahaha. Very good.

JAMES BOND

Its a cake. What's your game Goldfinger?!

GOLDFINGER

I will tell you when you eat the cake Mr. Bond.

JAMES BOND

I would never.

GOLDFINGER

Eat the cake.

JAMES BOND

Never!

GOLDFINGER

Eat the cake Mr. Bond! EAT IT!

JAMES BOND

Stop shouting! It gets us nowhere and makes me stressed!

GOLDFINGER

Eat the cake or both the room and Britain get blown sky high!

James Bond takes a little bite out of the cake.

GOLDFINGER

Now eat the cake. Good. Good. Eat the whole thing.

James Bond is sloppily eating it with his hands.

GOLDFINGER

Oh yes! Oh God yes!

JAMES BOND

Are you pleasuring yourself?

GOLDFINGER

Eat the cake dammit! Ohhhh, oh yes!

James finishes eating the cake.

GOLDFINGER

Now how did that feel!?

JAMES BOND

Well, I feel pretty shitty. Like a fat piece of shit. I feel like a fat piece of shit, Goldfinger.

GOLDFINGER

Lie down Mr. Bond and turn on the TV.

Bond sighs to himself and lies down on the couch.

BOND

I don't know what your game is...

GOLDFINGER

I'll do it for you!

A series of irritating static noises occur. These noises make Bond grow quietly sadder and whine to himself a little. The TV turns to THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

BOND

Fine. Whatever. Grumpf. I'm such a fat fucking piece of shit anyway who gives a fuck.

GOLDFINGER

I have the plans Mr. Bond. Would you like to get them back?

BOND

Yeah. I guess I should. Whatever.

James Bond doesn't leave the couch. He sighs dejectedly and continues to watch TV.

JAMES BOND

All those girls I slept with. Do you think any of them loved me?

Long pause. The sound of the Hillbillies plays in the silence. A shitty joke is followed by empty laugh track laughter.

JAMES BOND

Yeah. You know, I guess not. Sigh.

Beat.

JAMES BOND

I guess I could masturbate. Whatever.

Beat. James Bond falls asleep.

GOLDFINGER

Good, Mr. Bond, Good. I have given you depression!

Goldfinger cackles viciously as James Bond falls into a deeper sleep.

FADE OUT:

McSweeney's Rejected This Piece For A Reason

2009-11-01T18:10:00.000-08:00

Hello Guys (Girls),

I wrote this fake (ie: faux) letter a few weeks ago and thought it would be a great idea to submit it to McSwenney's Internet Tendency for some reason. Luckily, they didn't publish it, which is good for them and everyone that supports Dave Eggers (ie: everyone). However, because I have such contempt for Hyena and all that is stands for, I'm going to post it on this blog. I expect my blogging rights to be swiftly revoked within the next few hours, so I will spend what little time I have left on the Internet watching porn and funny cat videos.

Dear NBC,

Hello the National Broadcasting Company, my name is Kevin Cuggar. You're probably wondering to yourself, "Hey, who is this Kevin Cuggar? He can't possibly be NBC's next David Hyde Pierce!" Well, I've got news for you. I AM your next David Hyde Pierce (but I'm willing to settle for Michael Gross)! Now you're probably wondering to yourself, "Okay, so maybe this Kevin Cuggar is the next David Hyde Pierce (or Michael Gross). But that doesn't mean he's got an awesome idea for a sitcom that will totally revolutionize the network and save us from ratings hell, right?" Well, wrong again asshole! I DO have an awesome idea for a sitcom that'll save your shitty network (I know we just met, but have some faith in me)! But before I pitch the show that'll save NBC, I'd like to tell you a bit about myself.

I am 41 years old and currently employed at a Best Buy located in Southington, CT. I have worked there for over ten years, and consider myself an expert on what shows appeal to the American public. I know what DVD's sell and which ones don't (Hint: Not everybody seems to love Raymond). Now I know what you're thinking, "Gee, what's a brilliant media critic like Kevin Cuggar doing stuck in a dead-end job like that?" But working at Best Buy isn't so bad. Sure, my co-workers are constantly ignoring my requests to combine the Chevy Chase movies with the Dan Aykroyd movies to make a Chevy Chase/Dan Aykroyd hybrid section, but other than that, it can be quite pleasant at times. Anyway, enough about myself, let's talk about the show that will save your network!

My working title for the show is called "Cuggar Town" (this is nothing like ABC's "Cougar Town" starring Courtney Cox because I came up with this idea years ago). It stars an up-and-coming go-getter named Kevin Cuggar (played by the real Kevin Cuggar), who lives in Northington, CT and works at Great Purchase, the country's largest consumer electronics retailer. He is the manager at Great Purchase, and all of his co-workers respect him and his decisions, like the time he combined the Chevy Chase movies with the Dan Aykroyd movies to make an awesome Chevy Chase/Dan Aykroyd hybrid section. They also don't mind that he used one of the store's Macbook's that one time to look at Internet porn. Kevin Cuggar also has a love interest, which will be played by Courtney Cox once ABC's inferior "Cougar Town" gets cancelled. I plan on starring, writing, producing, and directing everyone of "Cuggar Town"'s 250 episodes. Please contact Jerry Bruckheimer as soon as possible because I would like him to executive produce the show.

I have also come up with numerous taglines that will be used to promote the show, such as, "Look what the Cuggar dragged in!" and "This Cuggar's got claws!" So far, I have written 47 scripts for "Cuggar Town" and I plan on mailing at least 23 of them to your New York offices. I will also send you a VHS copy of the "Cuggar Town" pilot. Please do not judge the show based on the pilot alone, as it is only five minutes long and the majority of the footage is of me lounging in the bathtub. Thank you for considering my offer, and I look forward to hearing from you very soon.

- Kevin Cuggar

P.S.: I'll be coming up to your New York offices to personally give you what will be the 24 remaining "Cuggar Town" scripts next week. You can treat me to lunch while I'm up there (I'm partial to P.F. Chang's, but I'll settle for Friendly's). See you soon!

Rejected Onion Headlines

2009-10-20T23:15:00.000-07:00

Why not? Better than another entry about half my boner.

For those not in the know I've been working at The Onion News Network as a Contributing Writer since July. Thus far I've sold a couple ideas, and got one 'One Liner' on. The one liner is this:

Get it? Because they killed off Captain America and they will do the same to my boy Stan if his numbers don't rise! Anyway, I've sometimes written entries about Hyena members. There's stuff like this:

Bloomberg Announces that Homeless Population is to Live with Dan Rubinton of Lawrenceville, New Jersey: Bloomberg’s plan to get rid of the homeless population involves busing them all to live with 28 year old NYU graduate Dan Rubinton. The entire homeless population will stay in Dan’s apartment, taking turns sleeping on his couch, and thus are kept off the streets. Dan himself is excited by the prospect of a homeless less New York, and knows that when all 1,000-2,000 of the homeless population get on their feet they will move out.

You see!? That's Dan taking in the entire homeless population of New York into his three room apartment! Hope they don't drink all the milk and... huh...

[Alex writes up a pilot post haste.]

Let's see, what else do I have? This is the first idea that was considered to enter the scripting process. It didn't (which is why I can legally show it), but I'm pretty proud anyway!

HBO To Unveil New Swears: HBO, feeling that the audience is getting jaded by their once shocking use of adult language and material, is premiering a new line of swears, with nonsense words like Coombscocky or Terbull which they promise will shock the audience and push the boundaries of what you can show on television. Their rival, Starz, plans to redefine what violence means in order to techincally have more of it.

You see the Hyena connection there? Molly Coombs and old editor Jon Terbush are sort of kind of swears in there. Interestingly enough when this went to the writers room, they changed the silly swears to realistic sounding weird curse word combinations. Kind of cool, kind of odd.

This wasn't even considered, but I like it:

Africa to Develop Sadness as a Renewable Energy Source: Africa has finally found a viable economic output that could launch the continent out of its third world status, and that is its discovery of the power of sadness as an energy source. Africa will exports its near endless reserves of sadness to other countries, but energy conservationists worry that as Africa continues to slowly grow liveable in, its economy and status of living may improve, depleting its pure natural sadness as an energy source. Meanwhile Africa is premiering the first car to run solely on sadness.

Maybe I could write it up for the Beakin.

I took a nap today. It was very nice.

Another Boner Entry

2009-10-20T23:12:00.000-07:00

'Yeah, all you kiddlins with Gmail accounts should join the Hyena blog (http://hyenacomedy.blogspot.com) and get posting access. Then I won't have to cringe in shame every time I sign on to blogger and see that the last update was a few weeks ago, and was probably either Alex talking about his boners in a half-joking way or me making a boob joke.' -Hana Carpenter, Age 8 1/2

Time: :13 AM

Cause: Half of Hana's E-mail

Boner Type: Half of a Boner

Course of Action: Mastur--

PUN FIGHT

2009-10-14T13:32:00.001-07:00

Super Shlorp

2009-08-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

INT. CLARK KENT'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Superman, in Clark's clothes, sits in the living room. Beat.

SUPERMAN (V.O.)

I wonder if I could suck my own dick. I am Superman after all.

Beat.

SUPERMAN (V.O.)

I probably can.

Beat. Superman lies down to take a nap.

OMG PERFECT SKIT

It Describes How You're Feeling All the Time

2009-08-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOPS - NIGHT

Batman and Robin watch as the Joker escapes on his helicopter. Beat.

BATMAN
I can't fucking do anything right.

THE END

I Could Write for TV Guide

2009-08-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

Next Season on 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'... A series of highly neurotic set of incidents will cause Larry David to pursue petty arguments with hilarious consequences. The season will have heavy influences from both the Yiddish theatre and vaudeville. Someone will swear.

Next Season on '30 Rock'... Liz Lemon will most likely have an unusally high amount of trouble running a show apparently called 'TGS'. An African American named Tracy Jordan may or may not do something silly while a rich guy will call the shots. I hope Steve Martin will guest star.

Next season on 'Mad Men'... A very handsome man will sexually intimidate some advertisements into doing something amazing as British People look on and Alex writes his boner blog.

Next Season on 'The Office'... Michael Scott will find himself in a plethora of awkward situation as paper is being sold and produced. Dwight leaves the office in order to enslave the aboriginy Tarahumara tribe of Mexico and use them as slaves around the beet farm. That is, if he can catch them!

George and Martha's Nostrils: Nipples?

2009-08-17T18:48:00.001-07:00

VSYou tell me.

Oh yeah, NSFW.

How to succeed in business without really trying

2009-07-31T08:54:00.000-07:00

Run Fat Boy Run

2009-07-29T09:31:00.001-07:00

Blue ballz

2009-07-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

Boner Blog Update

2009-07-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

Boner Blog Update
Time: 8:30 PM
Cause: Writer's Block
Resolution: Wrote about Sperm
Notes: No one laughed that day.

It's not the size of the wand, it's how you use it

2009-07-24T23:37:00.001-07:00

Mmm Mmm Good!

2009-07-21T18:42:00.000-07:00

The New Trix Swirls!

2009-07-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

First, allow me to apologize for posting a link to YTMND on this blog. I made it. I am only doing this because my video-editing skills are not good enough to make it for realsies. Just watch my animated .gif synched with sound and suspend your disbelief, then return for discussion.

http://trixswirls.ytmnd.com/

If you watch Nickelodeon at all, you have seen this commercial. If you haven't, here is a link. I need to ask you all a question: What were they thinking in casting?! This is a commercial which implies swirling two colors together--why didn't they think of that when they cast one black kid and one white kid? This is hilarious!

My theory is that they originally set out to make the joke that I did in the above YTMND. PR saw the thing and immediately said how "totally fucking racist" it was. The director argued that it "really isn't so racist", because black people's skin is one color and white people's skin is another. PR fired him, but kept the intellectual rights to his idea. He went home to his wife and had to tell her the bad news: he'd lost another childrens' cereal commercial job to his edgy artistic vision.

Tiananmen Four-Square

2009-07-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

On June 5, 1989, a lone Chinese man stood before tanks and bravely declared, "No double-taps, dead elephants, or cherry bombs."

Magic in the Air

2009-07-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July Hyena!!!

2009-07-04T15:11:00.001-07:00

Kim Jong Il loves you!

Crotch Rocket (or how I learned to stop worrying and love the firecracker)

2009-07-04T14:38:00.000-07:00

Celebrate the 4th of July safely, you'll need your fingers for later!

Quick Boner Diary Update

2009-07-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

When: 6/3/09, 10:11 AM
Cause: Raganork
Result: Death of the Old Gods

Rubinton on the Run: A Screenplay Outline

2009-07-01T18:01:00.000-07:00

ACT ONE:

1. Meet Daniel Rubinton, normal everyday fella, likes to eat snacks and sleep just like all of his animal friends, when suddenlly a monkey dies and he feels like running.

ACT TWO

Daniel Rubinton runs a lot, when he finds out that monkey was in fact his twin step brother. This confuses him, so he runs even faster. Then his feet fall off. This is the LOWEST POINT.

ACT THREE

Rubinton's foot meet's his monkey twin step brother in heaven and together they tell Rubinton to keep running, cheering him on. Rubinton crosses the finish line [CLIMAX] and tells everyone that life is like a race, and we have to do everything in our power to win.

FADE OUT

Boner Diary Highlights- #1

2009-07-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

Time: 11:02 am

Cause: My penis has run off from my body forcing me to chase it naked through the street in a hilarious, almost Chaplinesque sequence. In order to be able to run, the penis must be erect.

Resolution: When I found it, I yelled at it*, causing it to cum tears.

Notes: Should this be what Rubinton is 'on the run' from in my screenplay**? So far I only have 28 pages describing his running in one giant block. Should write this down.

Time: 2:54 AM

Cause: Vanna White on 'Wheel of Fortune'.

Resoultion: Masturbate to Vanna White. Wheel of Fortune ends and a juicer infomercial begins. I do not stop masturbating.

Time: 28 O'Clock

Cause: Bizzaro time has caused my intestines to confuse themselves with one another, and the blood within all human bodies runs willy nilly, making us feel like our skulls could explode, our eye pop open, and us get boners for no reason.

Resolution: Defeat the villanous Dr. Spigman and his time revolving ray and cause time, humanity, and my boners to return back to normal.

Time: 13 O'Clock

Cause: At first I think Dr. Spigman is at it again! In fact however, I am in Europe, and am for some reason excited by a clock.

Resolution: Try to pick up the languague and the culture a little. Failing at that, I try to translate Rubinton on the Run into French. Aka: 'Rubintone a la Run!'

*Originally I planned to beat it mercillesly. But that's kind of a masturbation joke, ain't it? I don't know what you people want from the boner blog...

**'Rubinton on the Run'

The Boner Diaries

2009-06-29T21:58:00.000-07:00

After massive popular demand I, Bizzaro World Lauph Member, Aleksander Firer, will begin to blog my boners. This is a study undertaken to see just how hilarious my boners are, and they will be set up like so:

Time: 1 AM
Cause: Thought about my boner diary and how awesome it is
Resolution: Masturbate for 8 Minutes, Cry for 52.

And as you guys know, I masturbate 23 hours after every day, taking only a break to watch back to back Seinfeld reruns at 7pm, so there will be plenty of entries in the Boner Diaries. The print edition are at least up to their second volume, no doubt to be collected when my screenplay 'Rubinton On the Run' finally takes off, and people want to study what makes me tick and create a character so devious and run oriented as Rubinton.

To be continued...

[Btw, Alyssa Harrington and Courtney Coulombe provided me a lot of advice on how to keep such a diary, so they are tagged. You may know Courtney from her hit joke: Bronte-saurus.]

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down your fourth wall!

2009-06-19T16:39:00.001-07:00

here's a cartoon we can all relate to!

2009-06-10T21:13:00.000-07:00

Headline: Emerson Women's Teams Win Most Redundant Trophy in College History

2009-06-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

Boston, MA-- Celebrations abound in Emerson College's small but rabid athletics department, where the Lady Lions have been awarded the Great Northeast Athletic Conference Commissioner's Cup. The GNAC Cup, formerly named the Harlem Globetrotters Collegiate Wankery Award, rewards the winningest team in the entire Conference with, ironically, another trophy. Athletics Director Kristin Parnell said of the achievement, at a May 26th press conference: "We were really only winning to win this award. It was our goal throughout the whole season[...]This plaque is what validates all of our hard-fought victories in actual games, playoffs, and tournaments."
Sports fans will know that the GNAC award is notable in itself--it recently captured the Great Northeast Athletic Conference Commisioner's Cup Commisioner's award for the "Most Redundant Collegiate Award", placing just ahead of the "Most Eating Contests Won" Banquet Dinner. The award ceremony was held in the midst of a Miss America pageant, which was itself being held within an episode of American Idol. All of them are equally frivolous separately, but when nested within each other they became a grand Russian doll of pomp and circumstance.
The Lady Lions held their hard-earned celebratory mixer at a hotel ballroom in Boston, and will be holding a mixer to celebarate the previous mixer's success this August in the same location.

(Source article here. I will never understand the mechanics of awards, but fortunately I will never have to.)

Here's a cartoon about slavery!

2009-06-05T12:08:00.000-07:00

Headline: Barbara Ehrenreich Masturbates All Over UC Commencement Ceremony

2009-06-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

Barbara Ehrenreich Masturbates All Over UC Commencement Ceremony
Journalism Students Appalled, Aroused

Berkeley, CA-- Barbara Ehrenreich took the podium at UC Berkeley's School of Journalism Commencement Ceremonies yesterday and welcomed the graduates into "a dying field". She then proceeded to take out her penis and masturbate furiously. Students reportedly felt their dignity, self-confidence, and youthful hope drain from their just-graduated souls as Ehrenreich told them they would never see prosperity or economic comfort in their field. As she blew her load, the reputed journalist told the students that she was getting paid to write about exactly what they were going to become: penniless, disenfranchised shells of human beings, hearts hollowed by the tough economic times faced in our nation. The students were clearly humiliated, tears mingling with semen, but Ms. Ehrenreich was not one to disappoint. Her speech went to inform the students that now that they were graduated journalists they, too, could masturbate about their professions. One by one the fledgling reporters, writers, and editors reached cautiously into their robes and began to pleasure themselves as their fearless commencement speaker went on to tell them: "As long as there is a story to be told, an injustice to be exposed, a mystery to be solved, we will find a way to do it." Nearing the end of her speech, Ms. Ehrenreich jumped down into the front row of students and began jerking off Andy Andrew vigorously. The Class of 2009 raised their voices in a cry of "we will not be stopped!" and came as one all over the soccer field. UC Berkeley's two working-class janitors with five children each and no health insurance were forced to work overtime without pay to clean up the mess.

(Barbara Ehrenreich's commencement speech can be read here.)

Does He love you?

2009-05-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

Ah, the Ghosts of Hyena Past. I have a folder on my desktop labeled 'HYENA!!!' that I like to scroll through anytime I want a cheap chuckle. Seeing all the sadly-deleted outtakes from Hylights reminded me of another great Hyena publication that might have been:

Hymen - Teen Magazine for Girls

Now, I have a couple true comedic gems from this aborted (haha! No, that's not funny. You're a monster) classic, but this little quiz (possibly the first thing I ever wrote for Hyena?) still makes me laugh. Enjoy! Please?

It’s just so hard to be a girl, right? Fashion is fickle – what’s in one minute is out the next. Boys let you down and break your heart. Friends come and go – they’re by your side one day and screening your calls the next. Every day is a constant battle for attention, perfection and that new cute boy in Algebra who’s such a TOTAL hottie when solving complex equations, with the lip-biting and the brow-furrowing. But take all that and shove it in your Dooney & Burke clutch because the fact of the sitch is this: the only opinion that really matters is His. Answer the questions below to see just how much the Big Man Upstairs really cares about you!

1. What’s the biggest mistake you’re made in your life?
A. You got a C that important test
B. Dropping out of high school
C. That third abortion

2. What’s an ideal date for you?
A. 12/25/08
B. “Watching” a movie at his place
C. The backseat of his car

3. What Biblical figure are you the most like?
A. The Virgin Mary. Pretty self-explanatory.
B. Delilah. Hey, everyone makes mistakes, right?
C. Queen Jezabel. Wikipedia me, heretics.

4. For your birthday, you’d LOVE…
A. Quality time with my besties.
B. A date night with the boy I’m crushing on!
C. More ketamine.

5. Favorite weekend activity?
A. Going to church
B. Shopping with my grrls!
C. Anal

6. Do you believe that people are inherently good or that they’re subject to their evil, basic, more animalistic instincts?
A. People are good. That’s what the Bible says.
B. Umm…whatever?
C. The issue of the intricacies of the human psyche is not so easily defined. While it easily argued that as mammals, humans are little more than high-order, sentient animals, it should also be noted that the power to think in the abstract allows for an advanced sense of right and wrong simply not found in other species.

7. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A. At an Ivy League, hopefully!
B. Working at the local Stop-N-Shop
C. Barefoot and pregnant

8. If you could pick any phrase that describes you, what would it be?
A. Easy to love
B. Easy to please
C. Easy

The Results:

Mostly As – Of course he loves you. You’re doing everything right, honey! However, He does think it’s a little TOO much sometime. Please go out and get laid already.

Mostly Bs – Sure, you’ve got flaws, but no sweat – He loves you anyway. He also thinks you’re an idiot. I know for sure. He told me.

Mostly Cs – Yeah, yeah, He loves you too. He might be the only one.

Historical Friction

2009-05-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

This is a cartoon I drew one day at Hyena based on something Jon said.

He's just a treasure trove of Luddite jokes

More Incredibly Old Unused Jokes

2009-05-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Remember this? This was suppoused to go into the Hylights', and the idea originally was that the real prize was a blow job, but due to a printing error EVERYONE GOT A TICKET!!! OH NO! HOW WILL WE GIVE THAT MANY BLOW JOBS! I guess we got rid of that joke though.

Very old Deleted Scene

2009-05-27T00:12:00.001-07:00

I was cleaning out my e-mail today, and found this. I think its pretty cool, this is a deleted motivational poster from Hylights (which was produced about two years ago.) I think Dan Christensen or Mike Lore wrote this joke, and I did the art.

Since this is a rough, the joke doesn't come through as well. The idea was that the poster would have three very similar guys, two of them are holding an orange, one a banana, with the words 'Orange you suppoused to be working' at the top. That's actually exactly what's on there, except for the diffirent fruit.

Molly's 9/11 Adventures: Chapter One

2009-05-23T18:48:00.001-07:00

Coming Soon from Regent Books, based on the hit Blogger Tag.

Molly's 9/11 Adventures

A Molly Coombs Girl Detective Novel

Chapter One by Children's Author/America's Favorite Pervert Alex 'The Emiko' Firer

It was a bright January morning, the year was 2001, and America was soon to enter a glorious new age of prosperity and glory under its newfound president and Emperor George Walker Bush. As the mighty leader sat on his throne he commanded to his humorously bungling cabinet: 'Gentlemen, I do not want to repeat the errors of the past administration. So number one, nobody blow me.' The cabinet solmenly nodded their heads in reluctant approval, Rumsfeld himself stifling a tear*. 'Now what super important things should I know before I take office?' Cheney approached the president, plants around him wilting as he passed them, and handed him a document containing a laserdisk. 'Mr. President, upon this laserdisk is contained very frightening DVD footage which may be a portent! Our country, without our involvement, may be under attack in the next two years by radical Islamic terrorists! It is up to us to up airport security and protect the lives of innocent Americans. lest we involve the nation in an imbroglio that has not been seen ever before in all of our history!' The President rubbed his chin. 'Kikenose McGee**, you got some good points there, but if I busy myself with this, animals may get the right to vote! And this just cannot be!' Colin Powell slyly winked at the cabinet, so they keep mum on Supreme Court Ruling 'Bojangles v. The Voting Laws of California'. The President turned around and grinned. 'Plus, I'm finally teaching myself to read!' Bush then whipped out a copy of 'Are You My Mother' from his drawer and looked at it with love. Condoleeze Rice stepped forward 'Now Mr. President, you know this knowledge will lead you to nothing but trouble.' Bush laughed her off and looked deep into the pictures. 'Books teach me a lot, and if Nancy Drew taught me anything, these kinds of matters are best handled by little girls and their hilariously charming friends. So find me a little girl! But if this administration is about one thing, its about hipness! Find me this lass of hipster potential!' 'Sir yes sir', the cabinter shouted and all tried to make their way out of the door at the same time, getting stuck in it for a hilarious 20 seconds, and then making their way out, to enact Bush's glorious mission.

MEANWHILE! AT HIPSTER JUNIOR HIGH, a private school named after John Q Hipster (seen here), a young sixth grader and amateur sleuth, Molly Coombs (6th grade, right? Year 2001?), was busy getting ready for her HIPSTERS IN HISTORY midterm when the PA system rang out: 'Molly Coombs! This is Principal Trendington! Ms. Coombs! The President needs your help!' Molly's hero needed her help! Molly, saluted the P.A. in the hippest manner imaginable and ran off to her new adventure!

TO BE CONTINUED!!!! (By anyone. Y'all! Continue this!)

*Famously, Rupert Murdoch would break this edict on more than a couple of occasions.

**The President's endearing nickname for Cheney

paranoid like freud

2009-05-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

Well, since we're sharing weird Hyena-related dreams now, a week or so ago I dreamt a dream in which I was in some sort of hospital room, in bed with a friend of mine while Jon was in the bed next to me trying to make love to a sweet old lady.

Analyze that you failures!

Caveman Cartoon with Original Caption!

2009-05-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

The Original Caveman Puberty/Evolution Cartoon with Original Caption! Just like momma used to make! Selling for $5,000 on Ebay! Embrace this touching awkward family moment at your own risk! (careful, it's sticky)

Following Molly's Update

2009-05-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

Here's my vacation update in super exciting Jersey.
Apparently, this joke blog has also become something of a normal blog update about our days (I can handle that!).

Things that are cool in New Jersey:
1) Homemade food (provided by my mom)
2) Pronouncing "fragile" like "Brazil" (provided by my mom)
3) Thinking that R&B stands for Rock & Ballade (provided by my mom)
4) Racist jokes toward my mom (all me)
5) Using the word "orientals" to describe Asians (provided by my mom)

Things that suck about New Jersey:
1) Everything else
2) Not Rachel
3) Tam.
4) Not Tam's jokes about Alex.

Awesome dreams I've had:
1) We had a hyena party at my mansion (made entirely out of magic). Alex would not stop jumping on the bed, so Jon threatened to let the dogs loose on him.

Jon let the dogs loose on him.

Justin was drunk and flirting with Molly (who, in this dream, took on the form of Whoopi Goldberg).
Ren's tattoos started flying away from her body and she made an "urrgghh!!" sound because she just wasted money on tattoos that flew away.... AGAIN.

2) I was in a pokemon battle and I had two pokemon named Fat Man and Little Boy.

We better keep up the jokes.
Otherwise I'm going to start vlogging about my days.

XOXO,
Emiko

Update from Molly's Vacation, No. 1

2009-05-22T18:21:00.000-07:00

Many things have happened since I bid you all a drunken farewell at the Last Final End-of-the-Year Hyena Party Part II. I have consumed a number of questionable substances to varying degrees of success (varying between 'awesome' and 'awesomekickasserton') but I have neither the time or short-term memory to relate them to you here - check them out in my forthcoming memoirs "Nicotine and Willpower" due out in fall '10 on Regnery Books. That's a political joke, chucklemites.

This, however, happened about 10 minutes ago over our second poorman's pina colada (for future reference, what makes them milky-colored? Is it milk? I hate milk. Mine's disappointingly orange in color but delightfully rum-my.)

Apparently, all varieties of drugs hit suburban Delware in the 50s and 60s with sudden force and my devil-may-care mother indulged her fair share. What does this mean, exactly?

My mother was born in 1952.
She was 15 in 1967.

Why is this relevant?

My mother tried heroin. Intervenously. When she was 15 years old.

Now, I've never injected heroin, but my surviving peers who have insist its like this:

(i.e. Totally sweet)

My mother, on the other hand, insists that it was more like this:

(i.e. Passed out from five hours)

Enough! I have more drinking and eventual driving to get to! I was mostly just tired of checking this blog with such high hopes only to see Alex's damn dinosaur puns again.

Excised Pun Dinosaurs

2009-05-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

Pterofractal

Tea-Rex

T-Mex

Hairodactyl

Bonersaurus (drawn! But alas, Charollete Bronte's head is over the tip! As the tip is the most sensitive part, its feeling were very much hurt, and it weeped deep into the night.)

Communism!

2009-05-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

Deleted Bits: Alternate Plague Write-Up

2009-05-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

I co wrote this with Hana, but we both decided to discard it because it just wasn't shaping up to be, how do you call it, not anti-semmetic. As both a Jew and a mouse I kind found the subject to be in the spectrum of: meh! The idea was that the anti-semites who blames the Jews for the plague, and the scientists who blame the rats were BOTH right, as the plague was caused by Jewish rats. Here it is:

Although the origins of the plague remain uncertain to this day, there are two schools of thinking for it: that the plague was caused by rats and that the plague was caused by the Jews. The asnwer, like all rat related material, lies somewhere in the perilous middle. In fact it was Jewish Rats, scientific name ‘Rattus Judacus’ who caused the plague. Literally, Jewish Rats. Rats who did not believe in Jesus, or even his rat counterpart Cheesus, and use the Torah, which to them was called the Torat. On an unrelated note, Rats aslo eat Mottzerella Ball Soup, have Rat Mitzvahs, and congratulate each other with a cry of ‘Mousel Tov’. But that’s unrelated note.

Led by an unrepentant yet religious leader, Feivel Mouseckewitz, the Mice of Jerusalm came West to Eastern Europe to escape many anti-semmetic (or should I say SeMOUSEic) cats, Egyptians and Hurricanes, but found them hailed by the anti-semmetic cry of ‘Eeeeek! A Mouse!’ The Mice of Jerusalem (or should I say JEWrusalem. No, I guess that’s kind of self-explanatory) have decided to fight against the Human Gentile Menace, which to them was called SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK! They came here to find jobs, but only two jobs were available to rats of the Hebrew faith, Hollywood Producer and plague spreaders, but with film not to be invented for another 500 years, they took up the job of the plague spreader.

Actually I really like part of this. Hopefully someday, someone will look at this and go: 'Chuck Chuck Chuck Chuck Chuck...le!'

Deleted Bit: Who's on Steroids?

2009-05-16T09:45:00.001-07:00

This is a bit deleted from Hy Times, the modern times section. I think it was deleted for space, but one can never be sure. I assume it was deleted because it was far too funny (which is why most of my stuff gets edited I assume.)

Its a good, short little bit. Here it is:

Abbott: Who’s on steroids?

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who's on steroids, What's on HGH, I Don't Know's shamed all of Major League baseball!.

Costello: What shamed all of major league baseball?!

Abbot: No, what’s on HGH!

Costello: Fine, I don’t care about any of that. We have to move forward. Who’s batting first?

Abbot: No! Who can’t bat! He’s talking to house subcongressional commitee tomorrow regarding his constant steroid abuse!

Costello: Who’s talking to the subcongressional comitee!?

Abbot: That’s right who!

Costello: G’ohhhhh!

Fun with Paintbrush (a fond farewell to terbush)

2009-05-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

Jon is a Blockhead. Molly is surprised.

Jon is a Luddite. Molly is in it for the fashion.

Jon is not amused. Molly is irrelevant.

<<<<<<3

2009-05-05T20:58:00.001-07:00

So I was in the bathroom today, thinking about Jon (not erotically asphyxiating myself) and I was so overcome (come) with emotion that I slipped and hit my chin. I promptly had a vision of the flux capacitor. Then I went to the hospital and got stitches. Then I continued to think about Jon and how much I will miss him.

Craft of the Month!

2009-05-02T21:47:00.001-07:00

Un-see this.

Welcome Actual Readers

2009-04-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

Hello chuckle loving masses, we are glad to have received you, your laugh organs, no doubt all wrinkled and shivering from the chuckles you've received from dangerous exposure to the Greatest Educational Document produced by man, 'Hy Times'.

On our blog, you will see everything from horrific outtakes, to musings, to the 'craft of the month' (courtesy of Hana). This is like, you know when you finish a bowl of cereal, and you look in, and you see a portal to a universe filled with constantly refilling, hyperlinked and properly formatted cereal bowls? Well this is something like that.

Here are a couple of my personal favorite entries:

How to See Titties Everywhere: A Hyena Craft

Poop Jokes: An Eager Defense

British Porn

Perfectly Serviceable Ways to Utilize a Dominatrix in your Story! (McSweeney's Rejected!)

George Washington is Georgeous

Beloved Dick Jokes!

Gentle Justin Claims this Blog for the Motherland!

And this fluff Berkley Beacon article from Ages Past! (Not an Entry, but Sorta Cool, in a weird way)

Anything I missed? Comment on the post and I'll add it. In anywhoo, welcome one and all. Your comments are appreciated here, and any mention of comic books will result in a wacky argument with this blog's 'beloved' nerd members. Except for the mysterious entity known as 'Chopper Dave', the blogs tend to be signed by the writer in the tags. And remember. Throughout it all, chuckles live on and on. AND ON.

And, by the by, I just want to congratulate Hyena on getting its first Evvy nomination for Hy Times. Although we rub our chins in thought at what to do now, we will simply quote Abraham Lincoln from his speech at Gettysburg: 'WOOOOOOOOO!'

P.S.: There was a 9/11 Entry by Molly Coombs in Hy Times deemed TOO OFFENSIVE to print on paper, and we've decided that only the more resilient format of the INTERNET could handle it.

Let's hope to see it on here soon.

George Washington was both competent and attractive.

2009-04-28T21:52:00.000-07:00

Dinosaur Porn (or, Tea-Bag Rex)

2009-04-23T15:45:00.001-07:00

No one should be greeted by a photo of dinosaurs humping.

Unless you are entering into a dinosaur threesome, and you are in fact a dinosaur.

This text is meant to protect you from the horrors to come.

But isn't pictoral pornography the game of the boor? Let me instead tittilate you with steamy tales of dinosaur affection. Shall we begin?

She enters the clearing, the blood of the mighty stegosaurus swarmed about her face. KRAWWW!, she screams sensually, her heaving scaly tail swinging about, her leathery eyelids seductively open all the way to reveal a delectable dead reptilian eye. Paul wasn't ready for this. After all, he was just a young virgin Pizzasaurus Boy who never knew delivering this freshly killed carcass would get him to sleep with the hottest ODILBW (Older Dinosaur I'd Like to Breed With) this side of the Cretacious. Then he remembered that the cretacious is a time period, and not necessarily a landscape, and thus cannot have sides. This thought promptly killed his erection.

The Odilf however was not stopped by this, and begun a striptease for the boy. However, as dinosaurs do not wear clothes, she prompltly commenced the stripping off of her skin, to reveal the blood and muscles underneath. It trickled through her, her throbbing veins, her small intestine, inviting the young pizzasaurus to enter the mighty realm of vaginal dinosaur intercourse! 'KRAWW', she cried, more invitingly than before.

TO BE CONTINUED!

I hope you got off to that. Because there will someday maybe possibly be MORE TO COME!!!

Including

-- The Ice Age! Is that at all arousing? The Ice Age?

-- Dinosaurs using hapless cavemen as anal beads

-- Raaaar! Raaaar! Raaar!

Tyrannosaurus Sex

2009-04-22T16:20:00.000-07:00

one of these has one more bone than the other

UPDATE: The Proof is GONE!

2009-04-22T14:58:00.000-07:00

I have bad news, all my dear, dewy-eyed Hyenalings with bold aspirations of Presidentship.
It would seem that, like a poorly-dressed thief who never brushes his hair in the night,

JONATHAN TERBUSH

has stolen the one and only copy of Hy Times Magazine!

Let me paint a picture of you, Hyenogs (you know, in the Hychine):

Imagine you're one "Jonathan 'Crazy Face' Terbush" and you've frittered away your precious afternoon losing at Super Smash Brothers to some attractive, witty female friend of yours who so kindly and graciously invited you into her pristine abode.

With no scholarly aspirations other than sucking as much dick as humanly possible in the next three to four years, you are unconcerned about your looming 6 p.m. class - I mean, fuck it, right? When your charming female companion has to cut the games short because, as a responsible, contributing member of society, she has to go to work, you give her some surly backsass and skulk along your merry way to the library, presumably to attempt reacharounds on unsuspecting nappers.

No one seems to enjoy the sensation of your cold, clammy hands on their genitalia, but you are undeterred and it isn't until 5:30 - remember, you have class in a mere half hour, at the TOP of the Tufte Building - that you realize something: You didn't print out 15 copies of the 13 page story (read: utter tripe) you have to pass out to your peers.

MATH TIME!

It costs $0.07 to print a page on any of the black and white printers on the Emerson campus.
Your story is 13 pages, and you need 15 copies.
That's 195 pages all told!
At $0.07 a page, that's going to cost you $13.65!

Is the Print/Copy Center open? No!
Do you have any money left on your card? Yes! $1.00!

So you're short $12.65 with a half hour left til class!
What do you do?

Remember that lovely, helpful girl from earlier in this tale? Out of the goodness of her large, welcoming heart, she agrees to print the pages out for you - free of charge, of course. Now, pushing through a 195 page print job isn't the sort of thing that generally goes unnoticed, but this girl is as benevolent as a saint, regardless of how feckless and foolish you are.

And how do you repay this kindness?
How can you truly show appreciation to this good samartian who risked her job to disseminate a story about cats that can talk?

PRO TIP: You wait until she's collating the stories (because yeah, she's totally going to do that too, because she's wonderful) and you steal the Hy Times proof out of her backpack! [ Ed. - Actually, it's a messenger bag, to be fair.]

Well, what can you do, HyTimers?
Let's raise a glass to Jon Terbush, the once and perpetual President of Hyena Comedy...

...and join me in smashing them in his smug little face.

I Have Proof!

2009-04-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

After a night spent drinking tea and discussing the fickleness of the stock market, Jon and I are pleased to inform you - yes, you! - that the PROOF HAS ARRIVED. In my hot little hands, I hold the first (non-digital, non-PDF, non-disappointment-to-Rubinton) copy of Hy Times to see the light of day.

Let me tell you guys - it's beautiful. I cried a little when I picked it up, fortunately mostly into the neck of a very understanding member of the facilities staff who shared an elevator with me.

For all those curious: I'm keeping it in my room, under intense laser-guided security. My roommates and employees have strict orders preventing any and all interlopers from even catching a glimpse of this fabled magazine. If you think you have what it takes to be the next President of Hyena, I officially dare you to come get it.

Two helpful hints:
1. I live off-campus now, in the second alleyway off of the Chinatown main gate on Beach. I'll be home between 11 p.m. and 4 a.m.
2. My building codes and regulations are pretty weird, so your best plan of attack is to come naked, with money and jewels taped to your body. Just a suggestion.

For all of you (wisely) forgoing my challenge, enjoy this picture of myself, naked, holding the magazine proof!

Comedy or Hatred?

2009-04-16T15:42:00.001-07:00

I'd have to say, without a shadow of a doubt, this is one of my favorite Hyena related anythings.

Screw Hylights! Screw Hy Times! Screw 'You Gonna be Suckin' Dick Tonight!' This is where its at!

Hyena: Comedy or Hatred!?

Well!? Which is it!?

HY TIMES LEAKED!

2009-04-16T14:20:00.001-07:00

Ladies, gentlemen, and lovers of chuckles.
I do not believe that it is right to wait for a magazine of such giggleocity.
Such yukkleshtuppen, and such giggleocktometer chiseling amber waves.

So I've done it. I've hacked into the Hyena e-mail, and retrieved the Hy Times file.
And I've posted it here, for you, the viewer to read.

And you can click on it right here.

I apologize other members. But the people must giggle!

EDIT: I have now discovered that what I have in fact posted is a Russian edition of the protocols of the Elders of Zion. Some may say that hubris brought me down. But after reading our own publication, I can only blame the Jews.

Alex Firer is the World's Greatest Intern

2009-04-15T20:34:00.001-07:00

Hello Potential Alex Firer employers! I am Alex Firer. And I am the greatest intern in the world. I can do all forms of menial activities, from coffee to Rubintons. You do not believe me, here's a quote I'm pretending John Terbush said:

'Alex is a master of coffee and the Rubinton. He is also, by far and wide, the greatest chucklemeister in the world. Now if you don't mind I have to do something very embarrasing involivng this toy poodle. Please look away.'

-Jonothan Terbush, Hyena Editor in Chief, SSN: 814-34-0930

Well I've watched, and the very fact that the poodle shouted my name, is merely another sign of my eternal greatness.

Did you know I myself coined the cool kids' term 'Chimperialism' while masturbating on the moon and filling out my taxes? Because I didn't.

Here are some things I wish my peers said about me.

'He's like a talented version of me.'

-Rubinton

'We only wish we could be Alex. But unfortunately this is not something we as mortals could do.'

-Molly

'He was pretty responsible and got things in on time. He never began to quietly weep at the table and thought no one noticed him. Nope. That's something weird people do.'

-Emma

I am also master of the poop joke, the superior poop joke, and the super superior poop joke, which is just shoting the word poop as a vein bursts in your forehead. Very very funny.

All in all, I am a hero. Do not let this chance go through your fingers College Humorous Mad Onion Queda Magazine! Do not let this go!

Contain Yourselves, Slobbering Fanboys...

2009-04-15T13:32:00.000-07:00

Here at Hyena Comedy, we don't do anything for free.
A Rubinton will cost you, unless you're our respected Prez, in whose hallowed presence we are all so fortunate to be permitted to exist.
We are barely resisting the urge to splash the beautiful, arousing pages of Hy Times magazine all over the Interwebz, for all to see and chortle at, but until the imminent printing of our magazine, we simply must refrain.

Written comedy is not print journalism - we can't just be giving this shit away for free.
Right now, anyway.
Of course, once printed, we'll be giving it away for free.

It makes sense. It's logic. It's science. You wouldn't understand.

But, as we are as benevolent here at Hyena as we are charming and attractive, we give you this teaser image.
Please don't touch, and keep your hands above the waist, yeah?

Enjoy!

(P.S. - Alex, please edit your last post. The wrapping's all wrong, and we can't have Internet hooligans thinking we don't know the first thing about HTML. They'll eat our bandwith alive.)

The Greatest Post Ever

2009-04-15T08:09:00.000-07:00

I am going to write a post combing all of my favorite tags together.

These tags are...

cormac mccarthy is an excellent writer,

gonzalo cordova,

more dick jokes,

monkeys,

watchmen,

dominatrix stories,

call to arms,

old timey times,

movie reviews,

poop jokes

So let's get all of the nouns out of the way. Gonzalo Cordova, our old Treasurer/VP/All Around Awesome Fella in Watchmen, in advice given by Cormac McCarthy.

So let's go!

‘Gonzalo’s Journal. May 18th. Poop found in an empty alley. Ooh! A dominatrix! Both of these things in the 1920’s can be quite tough. Especially if the dominatrix is a monkey. Monkeys are much stronger than humans. And they don’t understand English. All of my safewords are useless against the might of a dominatrix chimp whipping me in an erotic rage. Hrm. I’m thinking of my penis right now, and all the hilarious things it could do were it given the chance. Unfortunately dicks are rarely given real chances at comedy. Cormac McCarhy I believe observed this in his Oprah Award Winning Novel ‘The Road’. I mean, that’s what that book is about right? The movie version doesn’t come out for a couple of months, but were I to see it, I’d give it 3 out of 5 stars. Didn’t have enough dominatrix chimps. Now I, Gonzalo Cordova, have to stop the doomsday clock. And who’s killing capes? Too many superheroes dead, surrounded by monkey fur and leather handcuffs. In the words of the bible, as interpreted by a man chewing something: 'Hrrmrmrmrm!'’

Greatest post ever!?

Is this funny?

2009-04-15T08:06:00.002-07:00

Here is a skit that makes nobody laugh except me! What do you readers think?

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

This is an 80’s Porn Shoot, complete with shitty jazz music

and the like. Lonely housewife, JAZZMINE, 29, rubs teenage

boy’s PAUL’s, 19, chest. Both are clothed.

PAUL

Wait a second...

Paul looks down at his crotch. Close up on Paul’s face as he

speaks to the audience.

PAUL (CONT’D)

Guys! I have a boner!

A gorilla suit and a bunch of go go dancers come in and

dance.

Paul picks up the phone and dials.

FANCY OFFICIAL

Hello, National Boner Hating

Association! How may I help you?

PAUL

Guys, I have a boner!

FANCY OFFICIAL

Who is this!? How dare you insult

the Boner Hating Association with

this outrageous phone call! Why I

oughta-

Paul slams the phone! He runs over to Jazzmine.

PAUL

I have to put this into my novel!

Paul opens up his moleskin.

PAUL

Protagonist... has... boner. Yes,

yes, this is very insightful.

Ahh... Hmm. Look out Cormac

McCarthy. Hmm. I don’t think the

Road has any boners, yes. No boners

in ‘The Road’.

Paul closes the moleskin. He smiles for a beat. Then his face

grows morbidly serious.

PAUL (CONT’D)

I hate myself so much.

FADE OUT:

2009-04-15T08:06:00.001-07:00

HY TIMES IS FINISHED! LET THE PEOPLE CELEBRATE!

Longfellow and Mortimer

2009-04-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

Hiya folks! It seems a shame for this blog to remain stagnant for so long, but we're busy creating and crafting the ingenius 'Hy Times', Hyena throughout history!

In the meanwhile, here's a very funny film from our old VP, Gonzalo Cordova. I deem it chuckle worthy.

What I learned in Hyena today

2009-04-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

9/11 jokes are offensive.

Jon likes to get drunk, wear women's clothing, and then make people watch him poop.

In Russia, Pokemon catch you.

Merril was obviously a very unpopular African American in the segregated South.

Dan is a dick when it comes to Pokemon (Mewtwo uses Splash!)

The new axis of evil is Molly, Hitler, and the Shamwow guy.

Taft was a pimp

2009-03-28T11:12:00.001-07:00

Barber Shop Quartets.

2009-03-25T14:17:00.001-07:00

That is all.

Furry Dicks!

2009-03-19T23:35:00.001-07:00

But without the dicks.

I'm editing this post to be more dick-friendly.

Also, here's a monkey jokey:

Q: What did the monkey say to the researcher?

A: I'm going apes for a cure for AIDS!

Here are some adoooorable fuzzy animals!

Mmmm!

Emiko

Monkey Jokes?

2009-03-19T20:07:00.000-07:00

Hyenerds! We have come to a time of Crisis! Each of our entries seems to be somehow dick/grundle/boob/poop based! These are all wonderful topics, but we must reorganize!

Hyenerds, I suggest a forum.

Give us Monkey Jokes?

I'll start. This one is an old favorite. 'OOK-OOK-AHHH!'

Get it? Because world leaders can be power hungry.

Hyenerds! let loose!

What I Learned at Hyena Comedy

2009-03-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

The Simpsons did it.

The best kind of gay sex involves running, yelling, and penis collisions.

The Onion did it.

Sounding is the new Rubinton.

In the future poop will poop people (or, poop will people people).

A 1970's Stretch Armstrong is worth exactly as much as Hyena Comedy (decide which one is more entertaining).

Jon had a black penis inside him last week (in his penis).

A several knives in a severed penis is better than one knife in your penis.

Washington Monument not actually a penis.

Penis.

How to See Titties Everywhere - A Hyena Craft

2009-03-18T20:35:00.001-07:00

Hey now, boys and girls! Crappo the Clown here, with a fun Hyena Magazine "Craft 'O The Month" to keep your obnoxious traps quiet for two hours! Today's craft will allow you to see tittilating titties wherever your eye may roam, from at preschool to your very own home!

Materials:
Empty toilet paper tube
Eyes

Instructions:
1. Put the paper towel tube up to your eye.
2. Stand directly in front of a circular object. This can be a wall sconce, the sun, an actual boob, your father, etc.
3. Look through the tube, centering the object evenly from all sides of the tube. You've got yourself a tittie right there!

How Does It Work?
The basic structure of a boob looks like this:
So when you are putting the tube up to your eye, you are creating the outer-rim of the boob, or what jug experts call the "soft perimeter". The circular object you are looking at is the areola, or "hard perimeter". It's as simple as that! Except you didn't think of it, old Crappo did.

Horses Own Hollywood

2009-03-18T18:10:00.001-07:00

I have an idea for a movie I'm currently developing that I hope to shoot in the near future. We go up the streets of Boston to find a haggard individual holding up a sign. The individual is a horse. The horse is holding up a sign which says 'The End is Neigh'.

I will need 250,000$ in backing to start myself off.

Any takers?

British. Porn.

2009-03-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

Your eyes do not deceive you! I have been gathering and watching a hell of a lot of 1970s-and-earlier porn lately for a media production project (or is this just a cover for my ratlike hoarding of sexy movies in order to feed a debilitating addiction?). The most positively classic porno I have found so far is a British one from the 70's, so high-class it goes without so much as a title. However, the company which produced it is called "Sexangle". It's logo is a triangle with a naked lady's legs incorporated. Like I said, high-class!
Perhaps you have seen Family Guy's parody of British porn. This is funny because it seems true. You will laugh even harder to know that IT IS TRUE! The people in this movie have voices that could kill the hardest of hard-ons and dry the wettest of vulvas. You know i'm only posting about this because.....I have sound clips!

I'm not even going to go into the music, especially in the second clip. But do you see what I mean with the voices? It sounds like they're making plans for a droll daytrip or discussing how they'll divy up the work on their upcoming business trip. I don't know, maybe the idea of a firm schedule of events is hot in England? One more thing I want to show you before I go is the ending screen:Until next time, smoking penis!

Poop Jokes: An Eager Defense

2009-03-12T12:09:00.000-07:00

I’ve been writing jokes for a long time people, good jokes, bad jokes, confusing jokes and poorly worded jokes, and one thing I’ve found in my experience is that no joke beats the poop joke. One can’t be sure why that is, or what about the poop joke is so immediately eye catching and chuckle inducing.

The formula is simple, you take an every day situation, such as oh, a gentleman buying a fine monocle, fill him with the utmost grace, polish and dignity, and, when the moment strikes, the gentleman poops his pants. A pants drop may also work, one particularly with a slide whistle sound effect placed for comic effect, yet the poop joke is crueler, and deeper. It betrays our faliure to ourselves as human beings and our faliure to ourselves as men, as we crawl back to our infancy, the poop joke illuminates all, makes kings of fools and fools of kings.

Watch the poop joke improve these once classic masterpieces. Let’s begin with Waiting for Godot.

ESTRAGON:
(coldly.) There are times when I wonder if it wouldn't be better for us to part.
VLADIMIR:
You wouldn't go far.

(A brief pause ensues. A loud fart rings out. It seems Vladimir has pooped himself.)

Already the qaulity of Becket’s existential masterpiece is improved while sacrificing none of the message. The sad nature of Waiting for Godot is only improved if you realize that not only are Vladimir and Estragon leading meaningless lives, but one of them is leading a meaningless life with poop in his pants! The message is only strengthened. You are welcome Mr. Beckett.

While we are in the realm of absurdist theatre, let us consider Eugene Ionesco’s amazing Rhinoceros, a story which shows us a society which follows the will of a mass who itself does not understand what it follows, using an enraged herd of rhinoceros as its metaphor. I believe that Ionesco, as to not to shock the rather conservative audience at the time, has chosen not to illustrate the massive amount of poop that such a mass of free roaming animals would create, as he may be called a 'libertine'. But only a fool would disagree that Rhinoceros is not improved if one imagines, that as Berenger is giving his final impassioned speech he is all the while, slipping about on animal feces, most likely comically swinging his arms about, stumbling about and going 'a-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!'.

Again, we also have to understand that some people are simply too cool to poop themselves. Take for example Holden Caufield from J.D. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye. Were he to defecate himself, it would be tragic. Was a passing hobo to poop himself, ‘chuckles aplenty’ would be simply the only way to fairly describe it. This, I’ve found is the way to go. Poop jokes applied to real people are rarely funny. Gahndi, Martin Luther King jr. and Charlie Chaplin are all not very amusing when pooping (I assume this is why Chaplin worked silent. He knew once the world realizing he cannot make a noisy poo funny, it would abandon him very swiftly. This is very similar to the silent film actors’ poor voices and their finished careers in the sound era.). However real celebrity figures such as Brad Pitt, J. Lo and killer robots are all very amusing when doing the act so described. So there are indeed exceptions to the rule.

Ladies, gentlemen. Some have attempted to dethrone the poop joke, particularly on Hyena, whose president and constituents have made the rather absurd claim that the dick joke is funnier. I can’t completely disagree with it, it has it merits, as proven by the maste Samuel Beckett himself:

ESTRAGON:
What about hanging ourselves?
VLADIMIR:
Hmm. It'd give us an erection.
ESTRAGON:
(highly excited). An erection!

To the superficial observer this is quite comical. But an erection can often lead to intercourse, which can lead to babies, the most horrifying creature of all!

I invite any Hyena to come on this blog, and prove me wrong about the dick vs. poop joke debate! Prove me wrong friends, prove me wrong!

Perfectly Serviceable Ways to Utilize a Dominatrix in your Story: Part One

2009-03-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

As a writer you have many challenges, the greatest of which is how to put your dominatrix into a story in a way that is both flattering and respectful. I know when I was penning my last Oprah Award winning novel, The Road, I racked my brain and slaved for weeks attempting to put my dominatrix, Madame Y, into the story but I failed. Ultimately, I've learned from my mistakes, and below is the first of many examples of perfectly serviceable ways to utilize a dominatrix in your story!

Part One

The Dominatrix gets a new client, a multi dimensional imp. As she abuses him, he cackles in a vile manner, but not before jumping into a porthole back to his backwards dimension. Angry at being denied her pay, the dominatrix jumps after him. The dominatrix now lives in a world where up is down and down is up, where cats are dogs and dogs are lazy dogs, a backworlds world. She tries to start her business again, but pain is already pleasure in the other dimension, and she finds herself throwing away her whip and chains to try to find a new line of work. However, because down is up, when she throws the chains away, the fly up and whip God in the face. Enraged, God comes down to yell at her, but finds her dominatrix charms irresistable. He returns the dominatrix to her dimension, her wages restored, to whip submissive men another day.

User Rating: 4 out of 5

Casting if Story is to be Optioned as Movie:

Kristen Schaal as The Dominatrix
Eugene Mirman as The Imp
God as Himself

Hope this helps you out young writers!

-Cormac McCarthy

Bitter Watchmen Review

2009-03-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

When I first read Watchmen back in high school, I liked it well enough, but I felt like something was missing. And that something was a guy getting his arms chopped off with a chainsaw or bones flying through arms. 'So overrated! This is the worst superhero /slasher comic ever!', I said. Thank goodness Zack Snyder picked up on this and amended it in the movie.

Likewise, when I adapt 1984, instead of having Big Brother brainwash Winston, I'm going to have him gracefully hack apart his head with a cleaver. Its more artistic that way.

Things that sound like grundle

2009-03-02T10:20:00.000-08:00

Hi Laughkateers! In the spirit of anatomical haha's, I am here to tell you a story.
I only recently learned the word "grundle". While visiting UConn, a rather large business major stomped down my boyfriend's hall and yelled "IT'S HOT AS GRUNDLE IN HERE." I spent the rest of the weekend asking said boyfriend what the hell that meant. He was too grossed out to tell me. A quick web search when I got home led me to this definition. Ew! But also, hilarious! Now that I know the word grundle, I hear it everywhere. Did you ever notice how many words there are in the English language that sound like grundle? Obviously not. Here's a list.

1. Grendel
You know, Beowulf's nemisis:
(Pictured here as seen by Cathlolics) Grendel probably smelled as bad as a grundel. But he was significantly more active. You know what's worse? There's a restaurant in Harvard Square called Grendel's Den. I think my mental association will prevent me from eating there.

2. Grundo
Perhaps this is a reference lost on many readers, but it's true.The Grundo is a Neopet. The worst part is when a Brown Grundo is mentioned.

3. The Grundel
Not the thing! The Ghostbusters cartoon ghost!
I don't know if anyone else remembers this cartoon. It was originally made in the later 80s, and was rerun on a number of channels throughout the 90s (I watched it on Nickelodeon). It was also the reason why Slimer was on our orange flavored Hi-C juice boxes for so long. The Grundel was pretty much a child molestor. He had all kinds of lines about taking children away. One such memorable line: "So fresh, so pure, but not for long." That's some messed up shit. I wonder if grundel was a slang word for a taint when he was created? Who knows. His face kind of looks like one.

Ok, so really there are only three examples that I can think of. But it was three more than you were thinking of just now, I can guarentee you that! Leave me comment if you think of anything else. Stay tuned for more irrelevant musings from the Hyena crew!

EDIT: How is it that I forgot the Gromble? Thank you indeed Alex!
He was the teacher on Aah! Real Monsters!, another Nickelodeon classic. They seem to like characters with grundley names there. What does this say about the network?!?!?!

Point of Order

2009-03-01T23:02:00.000-08:00

While I appreciate the enthusiasm, I think there's something important to note here, Hyenalings.
While someone with great comedic aplomb thought to title this blog "Dick Jokes for Justice" this is a mere moniker - a trick of nomenclature that in no way limits us to EXCLUSIVELY dick jokes.

Let's diversify here, team! As of this point I will also accept jokes about the following:
a. Testicles
b. Taints and/or grundles
c. Seminal vesicles
d. Semen in general
e. Semen in specific
f. The prostate gland
g. Obelisks

All right then.
Carry on.

no iustice just tits (more humor, less grab-ass)

2009-03-01T22:07:00.000-08:00

Two men stand in an open field. One man asks the other if he would like to shoot skeet. The other man says yes. One whips out a shotgun, the other whips out his dick. One man loses his eye, the other loses his dick. They laugh heartily.

A man is on trial for murder. When asked if he pleads innocent or guilty he tells every dick joke he knows. He is swiftly sentenced to death by Vagina Monologue. Justice is served. Refreshments are not.

Spotted dick

2009-03-01T22:02:00.000-08:00

get it?

Beloved Dick Jokes

2009-03-01T21:34:00.001-08:00

'A Jew, a Muslim and a Priest walk into a bar. The bartender is an enormous bulging dick. Very confused the three aforementioned individuals decide to go to another bar.'

‘An aging Richard Nixon, long out of office, shares a drink with his old Vice President Gerald Ford. ‘You know Ford, I never really realized why they called me ‘Tricky Dick’.’ Ford sighed to himself and glanced morosely at the president. ‘I guess they thought you were a dick’. ‘Ah’, muttered Nixon and the pair stared silently into the edge of the ocean.’

'A young man is planning to ask his girlfriend to marry him that evening under the stars. Unfortunately his dick fell off in the shower. He will have to wait another day.'

'Two dicks go to the carnival. They have a pretty good time, unfortunatley one of them lost their wallet on the tilt-a-whirl. This tainted the rest of the evening.'

‘A penis slipped on a banana peel. It came everywhere. It was moderately sexy.’

‘A young man is eagerly giving his male friend a blowjob. ‘This isn’t gay, is it?’, he asks, a tinge of worry in his voice. The other gentleman thinks for a moment and answers ‘you know what! I guess it is!’ Somewhere an aging dog silently breathes her last breath and falls into eternal slumber.’

DICK JOKES!

Dick Jokes for Justice is Born!

2009-03-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

In order to get his parents to get together, Marty McFly must go back to the far off time of 2008 and, to get his parents to kiss, he writes a romantic blog entry.

Upon seeing this sight, a local picked up the payphone and gave a call to his cousin. 'Hyena! Hyena! Its me Ronnie! Ronnie Comedy-Magazine! You know that new 21st century technique of world wide communcation you were looking for!? Well listen to this!'

Ronnie Comedy Magazine then put the phone up to Marty McFly's typing. Hearing nothing but clicking, Hyena Comedy Magazine promptly went back to mastrubating to its own reflection.

And that's how Dick Jokes for Justice was Born.

I hereby claim this blog for the Motherland!

2009-03-01T01:01:00.001-08:00