Rejected Onion Headlines

Why not? Better than another entry about half my boner.

For those not in the know I've been working at The Onion News Network as a Contributing Writer since July. Thus far I've sold a couple ideas, and got one 'One Liner' on. The one liner is this:

Get it? Because they killed off Captain America and they will do the same to my boy Stan if his numbers don't rise! Anyway, I've sometimes written entries about Hyena members. There's stuff like this:

Bloomberg Announces that Homeless Population is to Live with Dan Rubinton of Lawrenceville, New Jersey: Bloomberg’s plan to get rid of the homeless population involves busing them all to live with 28 year old NYU graduate Dan Rubinton. The entire homeless population will stay in Dan’s apartment, taking turns sleeping on his couch, and thus are kept off the streets. Dan himself is excited by the prospect of a homeless less New York, and knows that when all 1,000-2,000 of the homeless population get on their feet they will move out.

You see!? That's Dan taking in the entire homeless population of New York into his three room apartment! Hope they don't drink all the milk and... huh...

[Alex writes up a pilot post haste.]

Let's see, what else do I have? This is the first idea that was considered to enter the scripting process. It didn't (which is why I can legally show it), but I'm pretty proud anyway!

HBO To Unveil New Swears: HBO, feeling that the audience is getting jaded by their once shocking use of adult language and material, is premiering a new line of swears, with nonsense words like Coombscocky or Terbull which they promise will shock the audience and push the boundaries of what you can show on television. Their rival, Starz, plans to redefine what violence means in order to techincally have more of it.

You see the Hyena connection there? Molly Coombs and old editor Jon Terbush are sort of kind of swears in there. Interestingly enough when this went to the writers room, they changed the silly swears to realistic sounding weird curse word combinations. Kind of cool, kind of odd.

This wasn't even considered, but I like it:

Africa to Develop Sadness as a Renewable Energy Source: Africa has finally found a viable economic output that could launch the continent out of its third world status, and that is its discovery of the power of sadness as an energy source. Africa will exports its near endless reserves of sadness to other countries, but energy conservationists worry that as Africa continues to slowly grow liveable in, its economy and status of living may improve, depleting its pure natural sadness as an energy source. Meanwhile Africa is premiering the first car to run solely on sadness.

Maybe I could write it up for the Beakin.

I took a nap today. It was very nice.