James Bond is Sad

JAMES BOND HAS SUCCUMBED TO DEPRESSION

Shooting Draft 4

INT. TORTURE CHAMBER- NIGHT

JAMES BOND awakens, still woozy from the knock out drops and looks around. He does not recognize the room around him, a posh well decorated living room set. James jumps on guard. It almost looks too normal; except for the P.A. system coming out of the wall.

JAMES

Goddamit Goldfinger. I don't have time for this.

GOLDFINGER (over PA)

Ah, but I think you do Mr. Bond. You've taken a royal poop all over my plans for a good long time now, and I say now its my turn to play with you. Look under the chair Mr. Bond.

James Bond nervously looks around the room.

GOLDFINGER

I say you best do it Mr. Bond, one wrong move and the entire room may simply self destruct. Now be a good old boy and look under the chair.

James Bond looks under the chair and removes a cake.

GOLDFINGER

Ahahahaha. Very good.

JAMES BOND

Its a cake. What's your game Goldfinger?!

GOLDFINGER

I will tell you when you eat the cake Mr. Bond.

JAMES BOND

I would never.

GOLDFINGER

Eat the cake.

JAMES BOND

Never!

GOLDFINGER

Eat the cake Mr. Bond! EAT IT!

JAMES BOND

Stop shouting! It gets us nowhere and makes me stressed!

GOLDFINGER

Eat the cake or both the room and Britain get blown sky high!

James Bond takes a little bite out of the cake.

GOLDFINGER

Now eat the cake. Good. Good. Eat the whole thing.

James Bond is sloppily eating it with his hands.

GOLDFINGER

Oh yes! Oh God yes!

JAMES BOND

Are you pleasuring yourself?

GOLDFINGER

Eat the cake dammit! Ohhhh, oh yes!

James finishes eating the cake.

GOLDFINGER

Now how did that feel!?

JAMES BOND

Well, I feel pretty shitty. Like a fat piece of shit. I feel like a fat piece of shit, Goldfinger.

GOLDFINGER

Lie down Mr. Bond and turn on the TV.

Bond sighs to himself and lies down on the couch.

BOND

I don't know what your game is...

GOLDFINGER

I'll do it for you!

A series of irritating static noises occur. These noises make Bond grow quietly sadder and whine to himself a little. The TV turns to THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

BOND

Fine. Whatever. Grumpf. I'm such a fat fucking piece of shit anyway who gives a fuck.

GOLDFINGER

I have the plans Mr. Bond. Would you like to get them back?

BOND

Yeah. I guess I should. Whatever.

James Bond doesn't leave the couch. He sighs dejectedly and continues to watch TV.

JAMES BOND

All those girls I slept with. Do you think any of them loved me?

Long pause. The sound of the Hillbillies plays in the silence. A shitty joke is followed by empty laugh track laughter.

JAMES BOND

Yeah. You know, I guess not. Sigh.

Beat.

JAMES BOND

I guess I could masturbate. Whatever.

Beat. James Bond falls asleep.

GOLDFINGER

Good, Mr. Bond, Good. I have given you depression!

Goldfinger cackles viciously as James Bond falls into a deeper sleep.

FADE OUT:

Rejected Onion Headlines

Why not? Better than another entry about half my boner.

For those not in the know I've been working at The Onion News Network as a Contributing Writer since July. Thus far I've sold a couple ideas, and got one 'One Liner' on. The one liner is this:

Get it? Because they killed off Captain America and they will do the same to my boy Stan if his numbers don't rise! Anyway, I've sometimes written entries about Hyena members. There's stuff like this:

Bloomberg Announces that Homeless Population is to Live with Dan Rubinton of Lawrenceville, New Jersey: Bloomberg’s plan to get rid of the homeless population involves busing them all to live with 28 year old NYU graduate Dan Rubinton. The entire homeless population will stay in Dan’s apartment, taking turns sleeping on his couch, and thus are kept off the streets. Dan himself is excited by the prospect of a homeless less New York, and knows that when all 1,000-2,000 of the homeless population get on their feet they will move out.

You see!? That's Dan taking in the entire homeless population of New York into his three room apartment! Hope they don't drink all the milk and... huh...

[Alex writes up a pilot post haste.]

Let's see, what else do I have? This is the first idea that was considered to enter the scripting process. It didn't (which is why I can legally show it), but I'm pretty proud anyway!

HBO To Unveil New Swears: HBO, feeling that the audience is getting jaded by their once shocking use of adult language and material, is premiering a new line of swears, with nonsense words like Coombscocky or Terbull which they promise will shock the audience and push the boundaries of what you can show on television. Their rival, Starz, plans to redefine what violence means in order to techincally have more of it.

You see the Hyena connection there? Molly Coombs and old editor Jon Terbush are sort of kind of swears in there. Interestingly enough when this went to the writers room, they changed the silly swears to realistic sounding weird curse word combinations. Kind of cool, kind of odd.

This wasn't even considered, but I like it:

Africa to Develop Sadness as a Renewable Energy Source: Africa has finally found a viable economic output that could launch the continent out of its third world status, and that is its discovery of the power of sadness as an energy source. Africa will exports its near endless reserves of sadness to other countries, but energy conservationists worry that as Africa continues to slowly grow liveable in, its economy and status of living may improve, depleting its pure natural sadness as an energy source. Meanwhile Africa is premiering the first car to run solely on sadness.

Maybe I could write it up for the Beakin.

I took a nap today. It was very nice.

Another Boner Entry

'Yeah, all you kiddlins with Gmail accounts should join the Hyena blog (http://hyenacomedy.blogspot.com) and get posting access. Then I won't have to cringe in shame every time I sign on to blogger and see that the last update was a few weeks ago, and was probably either Alex talking about his boners in a half-joking way or me making a boob joke.' -Hana Carpenter, Age 8 1/2

Time: :13 AM

Cause: Half of Hana's E-mail

Boner Type: Half of a Boner

Course of Action: Mastur--

Super Shlorp

INT. CLARK KENT'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Superman, in Clark's clothes, sits in the living room. Beat.

SUPERMAN (V.O.)

I wonder if I could suck my own dick. I am Superman after all.

Beat.

SUPERMAN (V.O.)

I probably can.

Beat. Superman lies down to take a nap.

OMG PERFECT SKIT

It Describes How You're Feeling All the Time

EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOPS - NIGHT

Batman and Robin watch as the Joker escapes on his helicopter. Beat.

BATMAN
I can't fucking do anything right.

THE END

I Could Write for TV Guide

Next Season on 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'... A series of highly neurotic set of incidents will cause Larry David to pursue petty arguments with hilarious consequences. The season will have heavy influences from both the Yiddish theatre and vaudeville. Someone will swear.

Next Season on '30 Rock'... Liz Lemon will most likely have an unusally high amount of trouble running a show apparently called 'TGS'. An African American named Tracy Jordan may or may not do something silly while a rich guy will call the shots. I hope Steve Martin will guest star.

Next season on 'Mad Men'... A very handsome man will sexually intimidate some advertisements into doing something amazing as British People look on and Alex writes his boner blog.

Next Season on 'The Office'... Michael Scott will find himself in a plethora of awkward situation as paper is being sold and produced. Dwight leaves the office in order to enslave the aboriginy Tarahumara tribe of Mexico and use them as slaves around the beet farm. That is, if he can catch them!

Boner Blog Update

Boner Blog Update
Time: 8:30 PM
Cause: Writer's Block
Resolution: Wrote about Sperm
Notes: No one laughed that day.

Quick Boner Diary Update

When: 6/3/09, 10:11 AM
Cause: Raganork
Result: Death of the Old Gods

Rubinton on the Run: A Screenplay Outline

ACT ONE:

1. Meet Daniel Rubinton, normal everyday fella, likes to eat snacks and sleep just like all of his animal friends, when suddenlly a monkey dies and he feels like running.

ACT TWO

Daniel Rubinton runs a lot, when he finds out that monkey was in fact his twin step brother. This confuses him, so he runs even faster. Then his feet fall off. This is the LOWEST POINT.

ACT THREE

Rubinton's foot meet's his monkey twin step brother in heaven and together they tell Rubinton to keep running, cheering him on. Rubinton crosses the finish line [CLIMAX] and tells everyone that life is like a race, and we have to do everything in our power to win.

FADE OUT

Boner Diary Highlights- #1

Time: 11:02 am

Cause: My penis has run off from my body forcing me to chase it naked through the street in a hilarious, almost Chaplinesque sequence. In order to be able to run, the penis must be erect.

Resolution: When I found it, I yelled at it*, causing it to cum tears.

Notes: Should this be what Rubinton is 'on the run' from in my screenplay**? So far I only have 28 pages describing his running in one giant block. Should write this down.

Time: 2:54 AM

Cause: Vanna White on 'Wheel of Fortune'.

Resoultion: Masturbate to Vanna White. Wheel of Fortune ends and a juicer infomercial begins. I do not stop masturbating.

Time: 28 O'Clock

Cause: Bizzaro time has caused my intestines to confuse themselves with one another, and the blood within all human bodies runs willy nilly, making us feel like our skulls could explode, our eye pop open, and us get boners for no reason.

Resolution: Defeat the villanous Dr. Spigman and his time revolving ray and cause time, humanity, and my boners to return back to normal.

Time: 13 O'Clock

Cause: At first I think Dr. Spigman is at it again! In fact however, I am in Europe, and am for some reason excited by a clock.

Resolution: Try to pick up the languague and the culture a little. Failing at that, I try to translate Rubinton on the Run into French. Aka: 'Rubintone a la Run!'

*Originally I planned to beat it mercillesly. But that's kind of a masturbation joke, ain't it? I don't know what you people want from the boner blog...

**'Rubinton on the Run'

The Boner Diaries

After massive popular demand I, Bizzaro World Lauph Member, Aleksander Firer, will begin to blog my boners. This is a study undertaken to see just how hilarious my boners are, and they will be set up like so:

Time: 1 AM
Cause: Thought about my boner diary and how awesome it is
Resolution: Masturbate for 8 Minutes, Cry for 52.

And as you guys know, I masturbate 23 hours after every day, taking only a break to watch back to back Seinfeld reruns at 7pm, so there will be plenty of entries in the Boner Diaries. The print edition are at least up to their second volume, no doubt to be collected when my screenplay 'Rubinton On the Run' finally takes off, and people want to study what makes me tick and create a character so devious and run oriented as Rubinton.

To be continued...

[Btw, Alyssa Harrington and Courtney Coulombe provided me a lot of advice on how to keep such a diary, so they are tagged. You may know Courtney from her hit joke: Bronte-saurus.]

More Incredibly Old Unused Jokes

Remember this? This was suppoused to go into the Hylights', and the idea originally was that the real prize was a blow job, but due to a printing error EVERYONE GOT A TICKET!!! OH NO! HOW WILL WE GIVE THAT MANY BLOW JOBS! I guess we got rid of that joke though.

Very old Deleted Scene

I was cleaning out my e-mail today, and found this. I think its pretty cool, this is a deleted motivational poster from Hylights (which was produced about two years ago.) I think Dan Christensen or Mike Lore wrote this joke, and I did the art.

Since this is a rough, the joke doesn't come through as well. The idea was that the poster would have three very similar guys, two of them are holding an orange, one a banana, with the words 'Orange you suppoused to be working' at the top. That's actually exactly what's on there, except for the diffirent fruit. 

Molly's 9/11 Adventures: Chapter One

Coming Soon from Regent Books, based on the hit Blogger Tag.

Molly's 9/11 Adventures

A Molly Coombs Girl Detective Novel 

Chapter One by Children's Author/America's Favorite Pervert Alex 'The Emiko' Firer

It was a bright January morning, the year was 2001, and America was soon to enter a glorious new age of prosperity and glory under its newfound president and Emperor George Walker Bush. As the mighty leader sat on his throne he commanded to his humorously bungling cabinet: 'Gentlemen, I do not want to repeat the errors of the past administration. So number one, nobody blow me.' The cabinet solmenly nodded their heads in reluctant approval, Rumsfeld himself stifling a tear*. 'Now what super important things should I know before I take office?' Cheney approached the president, plants around him wilting as he passed them, and handed him a document containing a laserdisk. 'Mr. President, upon this laserdisk is contained very frightening DVD footage which may be a portent! Our country, without our involvement, may be under attack in the next two years  by radical Islamic terrorists! It is up to us to up airport security and protect the lives of innocent Americans. lest we involve the nation in an imbroglio that has not been seen ever before in all of our history!' The President rubbed his chin. 'Kikenose McGee**, you got some good points there, but if I busy myself with this, animals may get the right to vote! And this just cannot be!' Colin Powell slyly winked at the cabinet, so they keep mum on Supreme Court Ruling 'Bojangles v. The Voting Laws of California'. The President turned around and grinned. 'Plus, I'm finally teaching myself to read!' Bush then whipped out a copy of 'Are You My Mother' from his drawer and looked at it with love. Condoleeze Rice stepped forward 'Now Mr. President, you know this knowledge will lead you to nothing but trouble.' Bush laughed her off and looked deep into the pictures. 'Books teach me a lot, and if Nancy Drew taught me anything, these kinds of matters are best handled by little girls and their hilariously charming friends. So find me a little girl! But if this administration is about one thing, its about hipness! Find me this lass of hipster potential!' 'Sir yes sir', the cabinter shouted and all tried to make their way out of the door at the same time, getting stuck in it for a hilarious 20 seconds, and then making their way out, to enact Bush's glorious mission.

MEANWHILE! AT HIPSTER JUNIOR HIGH, a private school named after John Q Hipster (seen here), a young sixth grader and amateur sleuth, Molly Coombs (6th grade, right? Year 2001?), was busy getting ready for her HIPSTERS IN HISTORY midterm when the PA system rang out: 'Molly Coombs! This is Principal Trendington! Ms. Coombs! The President needs your help!' Molly's hero needed her help! Molly, saluted the P.A. in the hippest manner imaginable and ran off to her new adventure!

TO BE CONTINUED!!!! (By anyone. Y'all! Continue this!)

*Famously, Rupert Murdoch would break this edict on more than a couple of occasions.

**The President's endearing nickname for Cheney

Deleted Bits: Alternate Plague Write-Up

I co wrote this with Hana, but we both decided to discard it because it just wasn't shaping up to be, how do you call it, not anti-semmetic. As both a Jew and a mouse I kind found the subject to be in the spectrum of: meh! The idea was that the anti-semites who blames the Jews for the plague, and the scientists who blame the rats were BOTH right, as the plague was caused by Jewish rats. Here it is:

Although the origins of the plague remain uncertain to this day, there are two schools of thinking for it: that the plague was caused by rats and that the plague was caused by the Jews. The asnwer, like all rat related material, lies somewhere in the perilous middle. In fact it was Jewish Rats, scientific name ‘Rattus Judacus’ who caused the plague. Literally, Jewish Rats. Rats who did not believe in Jesus, or even his rat counterpart Cheesus, and use the Torah, which to them was called the Torat. On an unrelated note, Rats aslo eat Mottzerella Ball Soup, have Rat Mitzvahs, and congratulate each other with a cry of ‘Mousel Tov’. But that’s unrelated note.

Led by an unrepentant yet religious leader, Feivel Mouseckewitz, the Mice of Jerusalm came West to Eastern Europe to escape many anti-semmetic (or should I say SeMOUSEic) cats, Egyptians and Hurricanes, but found them hailed by the anti-semmetic cry of ‘Eeeeek! A Mouse!’ The Mice of Jerusalem (or should I say JEWrusalem. No, I guess that’s kind of self-explanatory) have decided to fight against the Human Gentile Menace, which to them was called SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK! They came here to find jobs, but only two jobs were available to rats of the Hebrew faith, Hollywood Producer and plague spreaders, but with film not to be invented for another 500 years, they took up the job of the plague spreader.

Actually I really like part of this. Hopefully someday, someone will look at this and go: 'Chuck Chuck Chuck Chuck Chuck...le!'

Deleted Bit: Who's on Steroids?

This is a bit deleted from Hy Times, the modern times section. I think it was deleted for space, but one can never be sure. I assume it was deleted because it was far too funny (which is why most of my stuff gets edited I assume.)

Its a good, short little bit. Here it is:

Abbott: Who’s on steroids?

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who's on steroids, What's on HGH, I Don't Know's shamed all of Major League baseball!.

Costello: What shamed all of major league baseball?!

Abbot: No, what’s on HGH! 

Costello: Fine, I don’t care about any of that. We have to move forward. Who’s batting first?

Abbot: No! Who can’t bat! He’s talking to house subcongressional commitee tomorrow regarding his constant steroid abuse!

Costello: Who’s talking to the subcongressional comitee!?

Abbot: That’s right who!

Costello: G’ohhhhh!

Welcome Actual Readers

Hello chuckle loving masses, we are glad to have received you, your laugh organs, no doubt all wrinkled and shivering from the chuckles you've received from dangerous exposure to the Greatest Educational Document produced by man, 'Hy Times'.

On our blog, you will see everything from horrific outtakes, to musings, to the 'craft of the month' (courtesy of Hana). This is like, you know when you finish a bowl of cereal, and you look in, and you see a portal to a universe filled with constantly refilling, hyperlinked and properly formatted cereal bowls? Well this is something like that. 

Here are a couple of my personal favorite entries:

How to See Titties Everywhere: A Hyena Craft

Poop Jokes: An Eager Defense

British Porn

Perfectly Serviceable Ways to Utilize a Dominatrix in your Story! (McSweeney's Rejected!)

George Washington is Georgeous

Beloved Dick Jokes!

Gentle Justin Claims this Blog for the Motherland!

And this fluff Berkley Beacon article from Ages Past! (Not an Entry, but Sorta Cool, in a weird way)

Anything I missed? Comment on the post and I'll add it. In anywhoo, welcome one and all. Your comments are appreciated here, and any mention of comic books will result in a wacky argument with this blog's 'beloved' nerd members. Except for the mysterious entity known as 'Chopper Dave', the blogs tend to be signed by the writer in the tags. And remember. Throughout it all, chuckles live on and on. AND ON.

And, by the by, I just want to congratulate Hyena on getting its first Evvy nomination for Hy Times. Although we rub our chins in thought at what to do now, we will simply quote Abraham Lincoln from his speech at Gettysburg: 'WOOOOOOOOO!'

P.S.: There was a 9/11 Entry by Molly Coombs in Hy Times deemed TOO OFFENSIVE to print on paper, and we've decided that only the more resilient format of the INTERNET could handle it. 

Let's hope to see it on here soon.

Dinosaur Porn (or, Tea-Bag Rex)

No one should be greeted by a photo of dinosaurs humping.

Unless you are entering into a dinosaur threesome, and you are in fact a dinosaur.

This text is meant to protect you from the horrors to come.

But isn't pictoral pornography the game of the boor? Let me instead tittilate you with steamy tales of dinosaur affection. Shall we begin?

She enters the clearing, the blood of the mighty stegosaurus swarmed about her face. KRAWWW!, she screams sensually, her heaving scaly tail swinging about, her leathery eyelids seductively open all the way to reveal a delectable dead reptilian eye. Paul wasn't ready for this. After all, he was just a young virgin Pizzasaurus Boy who never knew delivering this freshly killed carcass would get him to sleep with the hottest ODILBW (Older Dinosaur I'd Like to Breed With) this side of the Cretacious. Then he remembered that the cretacious is a time period, and not necessarily a landscape, and thus cannot have sides. This thought promptly killed his erection.

The Odilf however was not stopped by this, and begun a striptease for the boy. However, as dinosaurs do not wear clothes, she prompltly commenced the stripping off of her skin, to reveal the blood and muscles underneath. It trickled through her, her throbbing veins, her small intestine, inviting the young pizzasaurus to enter the mighty realm of vaginal dinosaur intercourse! 'KRAWW', she cried, more invitingly than before.

TO BE CONTINUED!

I hope you got off to that. Because there will someday maybe possibly be MORE TO COME!!!

Including 

-- The Ice Age! Is that at all arousing? The Ice Age?

-- Dinosaurs using hapless cavemen as anal beads

-- Raaaar! Raaaar! Raaar!

HY TIMES LEAKED!

Ladies, gentlemen, and lovers of chuckles.
I do not believe that it is right to wait for a magazine of such giggleocity.
Such yukkleshtuppen, and such giggleocktometer chiseling amber waves.

So I've done it. I've hacked into the Hyena e-mail, and retrieved the Hy Times file.
And I've posted it here, for you, the viewer to read.

And you can click on it right here.

I apologize other members. But the people must giggle!

EDIT: I have now discovered that what I have in fact posted is a Russian edition of the protocols of the Elders of Zion. Some may say that hubris brought me down. But after reading our own publication, I can only blame the Jews.

Alex Firer is the World's Greatest Intern

Hello Potential Alex Firer employers! I am Alex Firer. And I am the greatest intern in the world. I can do all forms of menial activities, from coffee to Rubintons. You do not believe me, here's a quote I'm pretending John Terbush said:

'Alex is a master of coffee and the Rubinton. He is also, by far and wide, the greatest chucklemeister in the world. Now if you don't mind I have to do something very embarrasing involivng this toy poodle. Please look away.'

-Jonothan Terbush, Hyena Editor in Chief, SSN: 814-34-0930

Well I've watched, and the very fact that the poodle shouted my name, is merely another sign of my eternal greatness.

Did you know I myself coined the cool kids' term 'Chimperialism' while masturbating on the moon and filling out my taxes? Because I didn't.

Here are some things I wish my peers said about me.

'He's like a talented version of me.'

-Rubinton

'We only wish we could be Alex. But unfortunately this is not something we as mortals could do.'

-Molly

'He was pretty responsible and got things in on time. He never began to quietly weep at the table and thought no one noticed him. Nope. That's something weird people do.'

-Emma

I am also master of the poop joke, the superior poop joke, and the super superior poop joke, which is just shoting the word poop as a vein bursts in your forehead. Very very funny.

All in all, I am a hero. Do not let this chance go through your fingers College Humorous Mad Onion Queda Magazine! Do not let this go!