Boner Blog Update

Boner Blog Update
Time: 8:30 PM
Cause: Writer's Block
Resolution: Wrote about Sperm
Notes: No one laughed that day.

Rubinton on the Run: A Screenplay Outline

ACT ONE:

1. Meet Daniel Rubinton, normal everyday fella, likes to eat snacks and sleep just like all of his animal friends, when suddenlly a monkey dies and he feels like running.

ACT TWO

Daniel Rubinton runs a lot, when he finds out that monkey was in fact his twin step brother. This confuses him, so he runs even faster. Then his feet fall off. This is the LOWEST POINT.

ACT THREE

Rubinton's foot meet's his monkey twin step brother in heaven and together they tell Rubinton to keep running, cheering him on. Rubinton crosses the finish line [CLIMAX] and tells everyone that life is like a race, and we have to do everything in our power to win.

FADE OUT

Boner Diary Highlights- #1

Time: 11:02 am

Cause: My penis has run off from my body forcing me to chase it naked through the street in a hilarious, almost Chaplinesque sequence. In order to be able to run, the penis must be erect.

Resolution: When I found it, I yelled at it*, causing it to cum tears.

Notes: Should this be what Rubinton is 'on the run' from in my screenplay**? So far I only have 28 pages describing his running in one giant block. Should write this down.

Time: 2:54 AM

Cause: Vanna White on 'Wheel of Fortune'.

Resoultion: Masturbate to Vanna White. Wheel of Fortune ends and a juicer infomercial begins. I do not stop masturbating.

Time: 28 O'Clock

Cause: Bizzaro time has caused my intestines to confuse themselves with one another, and the blood within all human bodies runs willy nilly, making us feel like our skulls could explode, our eye pop open, and us get boners for no reason.

Resolution: Defeat the villanous Dr. Spigman and his time revolving ray and cause time, humanity, and my boners to return back to normal.

Time: 13 O'Clock

Cause: At first I think Dr. Spigman is at it again! In fact however, I am in Europe, and am for some reason excited by a clock.

Resolution: Try to pick up the languague and the culture a little. Failing at that, I try to translate Rubinton on the Run into French. Aka: 'Rubintone a la Run!'

*Originally I planned to beat it mercillesly. But that's kind of a masturbation joke, ain't it? I don't know what you people want from the boner blog...

**'Rubinton on the Run'

here's a cartoon we can all relate to!

Alex Firer is the World's Greatest Intern

Hello Potential Alex Firer employers! I am Alex Firer. And I am the greatest intern in the world. I can do all forms of menial activities, from coffee to Rubintons. You do not believe me, here's a quote I'm pretending John Terbush said:

'Alex is a master of coffee and the Rubinton. He is also, by far and wide, the greatest chucklemeister in the world. Now if you don't mind I have to do something very embarrasing involivng this toy poodle. Please look away.'

-Jonothan Terbush, Hyena Editor in Chief, SSN: 814-34-0930

Well I've watched, and the very fact that the poodle shouted my name, is merely another sign of my eternal greatness.

Did you know I myself coined the cool kids' term 'Chimperialism' while masturbating on the moon and filling out my taxes? Because I didn't.

Here are some things I wish my peers said about me.

'He's like a talented version of me.'

-Rubinton

'We only wish we could be Alex. But unfortunately this is not something we as mortals could do.'

-Molly

'He was pretty responsible and got things in on time. He never began to quietly weep at the table and thought no one noticed him. Nope. That's something weird people do.'

-Emma

I am also master of the poop joke, the superior poop joke, and the super superior poop joke, which is just shoting the word poop as a vein bursts in your forehead. Very very funny.

All in all, I am a hero. Do not let this chance go through your fingers College Humorous Mad Onion Queda Magazine! Do not let this go!

The Greatest Post Ever

I am going to write a post combing all of my favorite tags together.

These tags are... 

cormac mccarthy is an excellent writer,

gonzalo cordova,  

more dick jokes, 

monkeys, 

watchmen, 

dominatrix stories,

call to arms,

old timey times,

movie reviews,

poop jokes

So let's get all of the nouns out of the way. Gonzalo Cordova, our old Treasurer/VP/All Around Awesome Fella in Watchmen, in advice given by Cormac McCarthy.

So let's go!

‘Gonzalo’s Journal. May 18th. Poop found in an empty alley. Ooh! A dominatrix! Both of these things in the 1920’s can be quite tough. Especially if the dominatrix is a monkey. Monkeys are much stronger than humans. And they don’t understand English. All of my safewords are useless against the might of a dominatrix chimp whipping me in an erotic rage. Hrm. I’m thinking of my penis right now, and all the hilarious things it could do were it given the chance. Unfortunately dicks are rarely given real chances at comedy. Cormac McCarhy I believe observed this in his Oprah Award Winning Novel ‘The Road’. I mean, that’s what that book is about right? The movie version doesn’t come out for a couple of months, but were I to see it, I’d give it 3 out of 5 stars. Didn’t have enough dominatrix chimps. Now I, Gonzalo Cordova, have to stop the doomsday clock. And who’s killing capes? Too many superheroes dead, surrounded by monkey fur and leather handcuffs. In the words of the bible, as interpreted by a man chewing something: 'Hrrmrmrmrm!'’

Greatest post ever!?

Is this funny?

Here is a skit that makes nobody laugh except me! What do you readers think?

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

This is an 80’s Porn Shoot, complete with shitty jazz music

and the like. Lonely housewife, JAZZMINE, 29, rubs teenage

boy’s PAUL’s, 19, chest. Both are clothed.

PAUL

Wait a second...

Paul looks down at his crotch. Close up on Paul’s face as he

speaks to the audience.

PAUL (CONT’D)

Guys! I have a boner!

A gorilla suit and a bunch of go go dancers come in and

dance.

Paul picks up the phone and dials.

FANCY OFFICIAL

Hello, National Boner Hating

Association! How may I help you?

PAUL

Guys, I have a boner!

FANCY OFFICIAL

Who is this!? How dare you insult

the Boner Hating Association with

this outrageous phone call! Why I

oughta-

Paul slams the phone! He runs over to Jazzmine.

PAUL

I have to put this into my novel!

Paul opens up his moleskin.

PAUL

Protagonist... has... boner. Yes,

yes, this is very insightful.

Ahh... Hmm. Look out Cormac

McCarthy. Hmm. I don’t think the

Road has any boners, yes. No boners

in ‘The Road’.

Paul closes the moleskin. He smiles for a beat. Then his face

grows morbidly serious.

PAUL (CONT’D)

I hate myself so much.

FADE OUT:

Horses Own Hollywood

I have an idea for a movie I'm currently developing that I hope to shoot in the near future. We go up the streets of Boston to find a haggard individual holding up a sign. The individual is a horse. The horse is holding up a sign which says 'The End is Neigh'.

I will need 250,000$ in backing to start myself off.

Any takers?

Poop Jokes: An Eager Defense

I’ve been writing jokes for a long time people, good jokes, bad jokes, confusing jokes and poorly worded jokes, and one thing I’ve found in my experience is that no joke beats the poop joke. One can’t be sure why that is, or what about the poop joke is so immediately eye catching and chuckle inducing. 

         The formula is simple, you take an every day situation, such as oh, a gentleman buying a fine monocle, fill him with the utmost grace, polish and dignity, and, when the moment strikes, the gentleman poops his pants. A pants drop may also work, one particularly with a slide whistle sound effect placed for comic effect, yet the poop joke is crueler, and deeper. It betrays our faliure to ourselves as human beings and our faliure to ourselves as men, as we crawl back to our infancy, the poop joke illuminates all, makes kings of fools and fools of kings.

   Watch the poop joke improve these once classic masterpieces. Let’s begin with Waiting for Godot.

ESTRAGON: 
(coldly.) There are times when I wonder if it wouldn't be better for us to part.
VLADIMIR: 
You wouldn't go far. 

(A brief pause ensues. A loud fart rings out. It seems Vladimir has pooped himself.)

Already the qaulity of Becket’s existential masterpiece is improved while sacrificing none of the message. The sad nature of Waiting for Godot is only improved if you realize that not only are Vladimir and Estragon leading meaningless lives, but one of them is leading a meaningless life with poop in his pants! The message is only strengthened. You are welcome Mr. Beckett.

While we are in the realm of absurdist theatre, let us consider Eugene Ionesco’s amazing Rhinoceros, a story which shows us a society which follows the will of a mass who itself does not understand what it follows, using an enraged herd of rhinoceros as its metaphor. I believe that Ionesco, as to not to shock the rather conservative audience at the time, has chosen not to illustrate the massive amount of poop that such a mass of free roaming animals would create, as he may be called a 'libertine'. But only a fool would disagree that Rhinoceros is not improved if one imagines, that as Berenger is giving his final impassioned speech he is all the while, slipping about on animal feces, most likely comically swinging his arms about, stumbling about and going 'a-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!'.

Again, we also have to understand that some people are simply too cool to poop themselves. Take for example Holden Caufield from J.D. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye. Were he to defecate himself, it would be tragic. Was a passing hobo to poop himself, ‘chuckles aplenty’ would be simply the only way to fairly describe it. This, I’ve found is the way to go. Poop jokes applied to real people are rarely funny. Gahndi, Martin Luther King jr. and Charlie Chaplin are all not very amusing when pooping (I assume this is why Chaplin worked silent. He knew once the world realizing he cannot make a noisy poo funny, it would abandon him very swiftly. This is very similar to the silent film actors’ poor voices and their finished careers in the sound era.). However real celebrity figures such as Brad Pitt, J. Lo and killer robots are all very amusing when doing the act so described. So there are indeed exceptions to the rule. 

Ladies, gentlemen. Some have attempted to dethrone the poop joke, particularly on Hyena, whose president and constituents have made the rather absurd claim that the dick joke is funnier. I can’t completely disagree with it, it has it merits, as proven by the maste Samuel Beckett himself:

ESTRAGON: 
What about hanging ourselves?
VLADIMIR: 
Hmm. It'd give us an erection.
ESTRAGON: 
(highly excited). An erection! 

To the superficial observer this is quite comical. But an erection can often lead to intercourse, which can lead to babies, the most horrifying creature of all!

I invite any Hyena to come on this blog, and prove me wrong about the dick vs. poop joke debate! Prove me wrong friends, prove me wrong!

Perfectly Serviceable Ways to Utilize a Dominatrix in your Story: Part One

As a writer you have many challenges, the greatest of which is how to put your dominatrix into a story in a way that is both flattering and respectful. I know when I was penning my last Oprah Award winning novel, The Road, I racked my brain and slaved for weeks attempting to put my dominatrix, Madame Y, into the story  but I failed. Ultimately, I've learned from my mistakes, and below is the first of many examples of perfectly serviceable ways to utilize a dominatrix in your story!

Part One

The Dominatrix gets a new client, a multi dimensional imp. As she abuses him, he cackles in a vile manner, but not before jumping into a porthole back to his backwards dimension. Angry at being denied her pay, the dominatrix jumps after him. The dominatrix now lives in a world where up is down and down is up, where cats are dogs and dogs are lazy dogs, a backworlds world. She tries to start her business again, but pain is already pleasure in the other dimension, and she finds herself throwing away her whip and chains to try to find a new line of work. However, because down is up, when she throws the chains away, the fly up and whip God in the face. Enraged, God comes down to yell at her, but finds her dominatrix charms irresistable. He returns the dominatrix to her dimension, her wages restored, to whip submissive men another day.

User Rating: 4 out of 5

Casting if Story is to be Optioned as Movie:

Kristen Schaal as The Dominatrix
Eugene Mirman as The Imp
God as Himself

Hope this helps you out young writers!

-Cormac McCarthy