Headline: Barbara Ehrenreich Masturbates All Over UC Commencement Ceremony

Barbara Ehrenreich Masturbates All Over UC Commencement Ceremony
Journalism Students Appalled, Aroused

Berkeley, CA-- Barbara Ehrenreich took the podium at UC Berkeley's School of Journalism Commencement Ceremonies yesterday and welcomed the graduates into "a dying field". She then proceeded to take out her penis and masturbate furiously. Students reportedly felt their dignity, self-confidence, and youthful hope drain from their just-graduated souls as Ehrenreich told them they would never see prosperity or economic comfort in their field. As she blew her load, the reputed journalist told the students that she was getting paid to write about exactly what they were going to become: penniless, disenfranchised shells of human beings, hearts hollowed by the tough economic times faced in our nation. The students were clearly humiliated, tears mingling with semen, but Ms. Ehrenreich was not one to disappoint. Her speech went to inform the students that now that they were graduated journalists they, too, could masturbate about their professions. One by one the fledgling reporters, writers, and editors reached cautiously into their robes and began to pleasure themselves as their fearless commencement speaker went on to tell them: "As long as there is a story to be told, an injustice to be exposed, a mystery to be solved, we will find a way to do it." Nearing the end of her speech, Ms. Ehrenreich jumped down into the front row of students and began jerking off Andy Andrew vigorously. The Class of 2009 raised their voices in a cry of "we will not be stopped!" and came as one all over the soccer field. UC Berkeley's two working-class janitors with five children each and no health insurance were forced to work overtime without pay to clean up the mess.

(Barbara Ehrenreich's commencement speech can be read here.)