Hey there kiddlins! It's your old pal Crappo back from rehab with a brand new lease on life. This month I will be taking Step 1 and apologizing to you for all the horrible things I did during my time of darkness...WITH A CRAFT!
Did you ever wish you could eat your Cocoa Sugar Smacky Puffs Cereal Product out of something other than a boring old bowl? What about something like the bottom of someone's skull?!
Materials
Human skull, dead and de-eyeballed (available at ethnic supermarkets)
Carrot peeler
Cleaver
Electronic mixer
Fine-grit sandpaper
Steps
1. Flay the skin from the bone. For this you may use a "chop and peel" technique, or simply scrape it away layer by layer with the carrot peeler.
2. Remove the excess bone. Using the cleaver, chop the skull off just above the eye sockets. Some may wish to keep the face bones for dramatic effect. If this is the case, use the brainstem hole as a starting point to slowly sand away an opening large enough for your mixer.
3. Use the electronic mixer to liquefy the brains. You may want to get a parent to help you with this part. The brain slurry can be used as a fertilizer for your butterfly garden or as a base for delicious gravy.
4. Sand the skull's surface smooth. Make sure to wash it thoroughly when you are done to remove all the bone dust.
5. Go to jail for 40 years.
6. When you get out on good behavior, pour yourself a bowl of your favorite sugary corn cereal and settle in for a Flintstones-filled Saturday morning while your mother cries silently in the background!
Stay tuned for old Crappo's next craft, and DARE to resist drugs and alcohol!
Showing posts with label true story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label true story. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Headline: Emerson Women's Teams Win Most Redundant Trophy in College History
Boston, MA-- Celebrations abound in Emerson College's small but rabid athletics department, where the Lady Lions have been awarded the Great Northeast Athletic Conference Commissioner's Cup. The GNAC Cup, formerly named the Harlem Globetrotters Collegiate Wankery Award, rewards the winningest team in the entire Conference with, ironically, another trophy. Athletics Director Kristin Parnell said of the achievement, at a May 26th press conference: "We were really only winning to win this award. It was our goal throughout the whole season[...]This plaque is what validates all of our hard-fought victories in actual games, playoffs, and tournaments."
Sports fans will know that the GNAC award is notable in itself--it recently captured the Great Northeast Athletic Conference Commisioner's Cup Commisioner's award for the "Most Redundant Collegiate Award", placing just ahead of the "Most Eating Contests Won" Banquet Dinner. The award ceremony was held in the midst of a Miss America pageant, which was itself being held within an episode of American Idol. All of them are equally frivolous separately, but when nested within each other they became a grand Russian doll of pomp and circumstance.
The Lady Lions held their hard-earned celebratory mixer at a hotel ballroom in Boston, and will be holding a mixer to celebarate the previous mixer's success this August in the same location.
(Source article here. I will never understand the mechanics of awards, but fortunately I will never have to.)
Sports fans will know that the GNAC award is notable in itself--it recently captured the Great Northeast Athletic Conference Commisioner's Cup Commisioner's award for the "Most Redundant Collegiate Award", placing just ahead of the "Most Eating Contests Won" Banquet Dinner. The award ceremony was held in the midst of a Miss America pageant, which was itself being held within an episode of American Idol. All of them are equally frivolous separately, but when nested within each other they became a grand Russian doll of pomp and circumstance.
The Lady Lions held their hard-earned celebratory mixer at a hotel ballroom in Boston, and will be holding a mixer to celebarate the previous mixer's success this August in the same location.
(Source article here. I will never understand the mechanics of awards, but fortunately I will never have to.)
Monday, June 1, 2009
Headline: Barbara Ehrenreich Masturbates All Over UC Commencement Ceremony
Barbara Ehrenreich Masturbates All Over UC Commencement Ceremony
Journalism Students Appalled, Aroused
Berkeley, CA-- Barbara Ehrenreich took the podium at UC Berkeley's School of Journalism Commencement Ceremonies yesterday and welcomed the graduates into "a dying field". She then proceeded to take out her penis and masturbate furiously. Students reportedly felt their dignity, self-confidence, and youthful hope drain from their just-graduated souls as Ehrenreich told them they would never see prosperity or economic comfort in their field. As she blew her load, the reputed journalist told the students that she was getting paid to write about exactly what they were going to become: penniless, disenfranchised shells of human beings, hearts hollowed by the tough economic times faced in our nation. The students were clearly humiliated, tears mingling with semen, but Ms. Ehrenreich was not one to disappoint. Her speech went to inform the students that now that they were graduated journalists they, too, could masturbate about their professions. One by one the fledgling reporters, writers, and editors reached cautiously into their robes and began to pleasure themselves as their fearless commencement speaker went on to tell them: "As long as there is a story to be told, an injustice to be exposed, a mystery to be solved, we will find a way to do it." Nearing the end of her speech, Ms. Ehrenreich jumped down into the front row of students and began jerking off Andy Andrew vigorously. The Class of 2009 raised their voices in a cry of "we will not be stopped!" and came as one all over the soccer field. UC Berkeley's two working-class janitors with five children each and no health insurance were forced to work overtime without pay to clean up the mess.
(Barbara Ehrenreich's commencement speech can be read here.)
Journalism Students Appalled, Aroused
Berkeley, CA-- Barbara Ehrenreich took the podium at UC Berkeley's School of Journalism Commencement Ceremonies yesterday and welcomed the graduates into "a dying field". She then proceeded to take out her penis and masturbate furiously. Students reportedly felt their dignity, self-confidence, and youthful hope drain from their just-graduated souls as Ehrenreich told them they would never see prosperity or economic comfort in their field. As she blew her load, the reputed journalist told the students that she was getting paid to write about exactly what they were going to become: penniless, disenfranchised shells of human beings, hearts hollowed by the tough economic times faced in our nation. The students were clearly humiliated, tears mingling with semen, but Ms. Ehrenreich was not one to disappoint. Her speech went to inform the students that now that they were graduated journalists they, too, could masturbate about their professions. One by one the fledgling reporters, writers, and editors reached cautiously into their robes and began to pleasure themselves as their fearless commencement speaker went on to tell them: "As long as there is a story to be told, an injustice to be exposed, a mystery to be solved, we will find a way to do it." Nearing the end of her speech, Ms. Ehrenreich jumped down into the front row of students and began jerking off Andy Andrew vigorously. The Class of 2009 raised their voices in a cry of "we will not be stopped!" and came as one all over the soccer field. UC Berkeley's two working-class janitors with five children each and no health insurance were forced to work overtime without pay to clean up the mess.
(Barbara Ehrenreich's commencement speech can be read here.)
Friday, May 22, 2009
Update from Molly's Vacation, No. 1
Many things have happened since I bid you all a drunken farewell at the Last Final End-of-the-Year Hyena Party Part II. I have consumed a number of questionable substances to varying degrees of success (varying between 'awesome' and 'awesomekickasserton') but I have neither the time or short-term memory to relate them to you here - check them out in my forthcoming memoirs "Nicotine and Willpower" due out in fall '10 on Regnery Books. That's a political joke, chucklemites.
This, however, happened about 10 minutes ago over our second poorman's pina colada (for future reference, what makes them milky-colored? Is it milk? I hate milk. Mine's disappointingly orange in color but delightfully rum-my.)
Apparently, all varieties of drugs hit suburban Delware in the 50s and 60s with sudden force and my devil-may-care mother indulged her fair share. What does this mean, exactly?
My mother was born in 1952.
She was 15 in 1967.
Why is this relevant?
My mother tried heroin. Intervenously. When she was 15 years old.
Now, I've never injected heroin, but my surviving peers who have insist its like this:
(i.e. Totally sweet)
My mother, on the other hand, insists that it was more like this:
(i.e. Passed out from five hours)
Enough! I have more drinking and eventual driving to get to! I was mostly just tired of checking this blog with such high hopes only to see Alex's damn dinosaur puns again.
This, however, happened about 10 minutes ago over our second poorman's pina colada (for future reference, what makes them milky-colored? Is it milk? I hate milk. Mine's disappointingly orange in color but delightfully rum-my.)
Apparently, all varieties of drugs hit suburban Delware in the 50s and 60s with sudden force and my devil-may-care mother indulged her fair share. What does this mean, exactly?
My mother was born in 1952.
She was 15 in 1967.
Why is this relevant?
My mother tried heroin. Intervenously. When she was 15 years old.
Now, I've never injected heroin, but my surviving peers who have insist its like this:
(i.e. Totally sweet)My mother, on the other hand, insists that it was more like this:
(i.e. Passed out from five hours)
Enough! I have more drinking and eventual driving to get to! I was mostly just tired of checking this blog with such high hopes only to see Alex's damn dinosaur puns again.
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