Happy Turducken Day!

Hope you fools had a food-stuffed day of American gluttony and Imperialism!

Turduckens: Genetically engineered Super Soldiers, protecting America from hunger for the last 15 years.

What Might Have Been

As the president and legal guardian of this illustrious, irreverent band of misfits, ne'er-do-wells and criminal cases, I am often caught up in the bureaucracy of things, rather than the comedy of it all. Long hours are spent doing things you chuckleteers might find tedious (and let's be honest, utterly unfathomable) such as:
1. Making lists of all the things you haven't done for me lately...
2. Designing our fair publication
3. Sending emails about things to people to request said things so that other people (namely myself) may turn those things into the ultimate thing - the aforementioned fair publication.
4. Desperately trying to remember all of your names

I do, however, find the time in my busy schedule of KiCkAsSeRy!!?! and logistics to create humor of an unparalleled quality so that others might know my might and worship it. When given an assignment for the best Freakin' Beakin this college will have ever seen, one cannot take it lightly - visual jokes must be made with careful thought, ruthless aplomb and a fierce dedication to the core of humor reflected in the article it accompanies.

Needless to say, the following photo features none of those things.

But I still think it's pretty fucking funny.

Enjoy.

2nd Amendment

James Bond is Sad

JAMES BOND HAS SUCCUMBED TO DEPRESSION

Shooting Draft 4

INT. TORTURE CHAMBER- NIGHT

JAMES BOND awakens, still woozy from the knock out drops and looks around. He does not recognize the room around him, a posh well decorated living room set. James jumps on guard. It almost looks too normal; except for the P.A. system coming out of the wall.

JAMES

Goddamit Goldfinger. I don't have time for this.

GOLDFINGER (over PA)

Ah, but I think you do Mr. Bond. You've taken a royal poop all over my plans for a good long time now, and I say now its my turn to play with you. Look under the chair Mr. Bond.

James Bond nervously looks around the room.

GOLDFINGER

I say you best do it Mr. Bond, one wrong move and the entire room may simply self destruct. Now be a good old boy and look under the chair.

James Bond looks under the chair and removes a cake.

GOLDFINGER

Ahahahaha. Very good.

JAMES BOND

Its a cake. What's your game Goldfinger?!

GOLDFINGER

I will tell you when you eat the cake Mr. Bond.

JAMES BOND

I would never.

GOLDFINGER

Eat the cake.

JAMES BOND

Never!

GOLDFINGER

Eat the cake Mr. Bond! EAT IT!

JAMES BOND

Stop shouting! It gets us nowhere and makes me stressed!

GOLDFINGER

Eat the cake or both the room and Britain get blown sky high!

James Bond takes a little bite out of the cake.

GOLDFINGER

Now eat the cake. Good. Good. Eat the whole thing.

James Bond is sloppily eating it with his hands.

GOLDFINGER

Oh yes! Oh God yes!

JAMES BOND

Are you pleasuring yourself?

GOLDFINGER

Eat the cake dammit! Ohhhh, oh yes!

James finishes eating the cake.

GOLDFINGER

Now how did that feel!?

JAMES BOND

Well, I feel pretty shitty. Like a fat piece of shit. I feel like a fat piece of shit, Goldfinger.

GOLDFINGER

Lie down Mr. Bond and turn on the TV.

Bond sighs to himself and lies down on the couch.

BOND

I don't know what your game is...

GOLDFINGER

I'll do it for you!

A series of irritating static noises occur. These noises make Bond grow quietly sadder and whine to himself a little. The TV turns to THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

BOND

Fine. Whatever. Grumpf. I'm such a fat fucking piece of shit anyway who gives a fuck.

GOLDFINGER

I have the plans Mr. Bond. Would you like to get them back?

BOND

Yeah. I guess I should. Whatever.

James Bond doesn't leave the couch. He sighs dejectedly and continues to watch TV.

JAMES BOND

All those girls I slept with. Do you think any of them loved me?

Long pause. The sound of the Hillbillies plays in the silence. A shitty joke is followed by empty laugh track laughter.

JAMES BOND

Yeah. You know, I guess not. Sigh.

Beat.

JAMES BOND

I guess I could masturbate. Whatever.

Beat. James Bond falls asleep.

GOLDFINGER

Good, Mr. Bond, Good. I have given you depression!

Goldfinger cackles viciously as James Bond falls into a deeper sleep.

FADE OUT:

McSweeney's Rejected This Piece For A Reason

Hello Guys (Girls),

I wrote this fake (ie: faux) letter a few weeks ago and thought it would be a great idea to submit it to McSwenney's Internet Tendency for some reason. Luckily, they didn't publish it, which is good for them and everyone that supports Dave Eggers (ie: everyone). However, because I have such contempt for Hyena and all that is stands for, I'm going to post it on this blog. I expect my blogging rights to be swiftly revoked within the next few hours, so I will spend what little time I have left on the Internet watching porn and funny cat videos.


Dear NBC,

Hello the National Broadcasting Company, my name is Kevin Cuggar. You're probably wondering to yourself, "Hey, who is this Kevin Cuggar? He can't possibly be NBC's next David Hyde Pierce!" Well, I've got news for you. I AM your next David Hyde Pierce (but I'm willing to settle for Michael Gross)! Now you're probably wondering to yourself, "Okay, so maybe this Kevin Cuggar is the next David Hyde Pierce (or Michael Gross). But that doesn't mean he's got an awesome idea for a sitcom that will totally revolutionize the network and save us from ratings hell, right?" Well, wrong again asshole! I DO have an awesome idea for a sitcom that'll save your shitty network (I know we just met, but have some faith in me)! But before I pitch the show that'll save NBC, I'd like to tell you a bit about myself.

I am 41 years old and currently employed at a Best Buy located in Southington, CT. I have worked there for over ten years, and consider myself an expert on what shows appeal to the American public. I know what DVD's sell and which ones don't (Hint: Not everybody seems to love Raymond). Now I know what you're thinking, "Gee, what's a brilliant media critic like Kevin Cuggar doing stuck in a dead-end job like that?" But working at Best Buy isn't so bad. Sure, my co-workers are constantly ignoring my requests to combine the Chevy Chase movies with the Dan Aykroyd movies to make a Chevy Chase/Dan Aykroyd hybrid section, but other than that, it can be quite pleasant at times. Anyway, enough about myself, let's talk about the show that will save your network!

My working title for the show is called "Cuggar Town" (this is nothing like ABC's "Cougar Town" starring Courtney Cox because I came up with this idea years ago). It stars an up-and-coming go-getter named Kevin Cuggar (played by the real Kevin Cuggar), who lives in Northington, CT and works at Great Purchase, the country's largest consumer electronics retailer. He is the manager at Great Purchase, and all of his co-workers respect him and his decisions, like the time he combined the Chevy Chase movies with the Dan Aykroyd movies to make an awesome Chevy Chase/Dan Aykroyd hybrid section. They also don't mind that he used one of the store's Macbook's that one time to look at Internet porn. Kevin Cuggar also has a love interest, which will be played by Courtney Cox once ABC's inferior "Cougar Town" gets cancelled. I plan on starring, writing, producing, and directing everyone of "Cuggar Town"'s 250 episodes. Please contact Jerry Bruckheimer as soon as possible because I would like him to executive produce the show.

I have also come up with numerous taglines that will be used to promote the show, such as, "Look what the Cuggar dragged in!" and "This Cuggar's got claws!" So far, I have written 47 scripts for "Cuggar Town" and I plan on mailing at least 23 of them to your New York offices. I will also send you a VHS copy of the "Cuggar Town" pilot. Please do not judge the show based on the pilot alone, as it is only five minutes long and the majority of the footage is of me lounging in the bathtub. Thank you for considering my offer, and I look forward to hearing from you very soon.

- Kevin Cuggar

P.S.: I'll be coming up to your New York offices to personally give you what will be the 24 remaining "Cuggar Town" scripts next week. You can treat me to lunch while I'm up there (I'm partial to P.F. Chang's, but I'll settle for Friendly's). See you soon!

Rejected Onion Headlines

Why not? Better than another entry about half my boner.

For those not in the know I've been working at The Onion News Network as a Contributing Writer since July. Thus far I've sold a couple ideas, and got one 'One Liner' on. The one liner is this:

Get it? Because they killed off Captain America and they will do the same to my boy Stan if his numbers don't rise! Anyway, I've sometimes written entries about Hyena members. There's stuff like this:

Bloomberg Announces that Homeless Population is to Live with Dan Rubinton of Lawrenceville, New Jersey: Bloomberg’s plan to get rid of the homeless population involves busing them all to live with 28 year old NYU graduate Dan Rubinton. The entire homeless population will stay in Dan’s apartment, taking turns sleeping on his couch, and thus are kept off the streets. Dan himself is excited by the prospect of a homeless less New York, and knows that when all 1,000-2,000 of the homeless population get on their feet they will move out.

You see!? That's Dan taking in the entire homeless population of New York into his three room apartment! Hope they don't drink all the milk and... huh...

[Alex writes up a pilot post haste.]

Let's see, what else do I have? This is the first idea that was considered to enter the scripting process. It didn't (which is why I can legally show it), but I'm pretty proud anyway!

HBO To Unveil New Swears: HBO, feeling that the audience is getting jaded by their once shocking use of adult language and material, is premiering a new line of swears, with nonsense words like Coombscocky or Terbull which they promise will shock the audience and push the boundaries of what you can show on television. Their rival, Starz, plans to redefine what violence means in order to techincally have more of it.

You see the Hyena connection there? Molly Coombs and old editor Jon Terbush are sort of kind of swears in there. Interestingly enough when this went to the writers room, they changed the silly swears to realistic sounding weird curse word combinations. Kind of cool, kind of odd.

This wasn't even considered, but I like it:

Africa to Develop Sadness as a Renewable Energy Source: Africa has finally found a viable economic output that could launch the continent out of its third world status, and that is its discovery of the power of sadness as an energy source. Africa will exports its near endless reserves of sadness to other countries, but energy conservationists worry that as Africa continues to slowly grow liveable in, its economy and status of living may improve, depleting its pure natural sadness as an energy source. Meanwhile Africa is premiering the first car to run solely on sadness.

Maybe I could write it up for the Beakin.

I took a nap today. It was very nice.

Another Boner Entry

'Yeah, all you kiddlins with Gmail accounts should join the Hyena blog (http://hyenacomedy.blogspot.com) and get posting access. Then I won't have to cringe in shame every time I sign on to blogger and see that the last update was a few weeks ago, and was probably either Alex talking about his boners in a half-joking way or me making a boob joke.' -Hana Carpenter, Age 8 1/2

Time: :13 AM

Cause: Half of Hana's E-mail

Boner Type: Half of a Boner

Course of Action: Mastur--