Monday, June 29, 2009

The Boner Diaries

After massive popular demand I, Bizzaro World Lauph Member, Aleksander Firer, will begin to blog my boners. This is a study undertaken to see just how hilarious my boners are, and they will be set up like so:

Time: 1 AM
Cause: Thought about my boner diary and how awesome it is
Resolution: Masturbate for 8 Minutes, Cry for 52.

And as you guys know, I masturbate 23 hours after every day, taking only a break to watch back to back Seinfeld reruns at 7pm, so there will be plenty of entries in the Boner Diaries. The print edition are at least up to their second volume, no doubt to be collected when my screenplay 'Rubinton On the Run' finally takes off, and people want to study what makes me tick and create a character so devious and run oriented as Rubinton.

To be continued...

[Btw, Alyssa Harrington and Courtney Coulombe provided me a lot of advice on how to keep such a diary, so they are tagged. You may know Courtney from her hit joke: Bronte-saurus.]

Monday, June 8, 2009

Headline: Emerson Women's Teams Win Most Redundant Trophy in College History

Boston, MA-- Celebrations abound in Emerson College's small but rabid athletics department, where the Lady Lions have been awarded the Great Northeast Athletic Conference Commissioner's Cup. The GNAC Cup, formerly named the Harlem Globetrotters Collegiate Wankery Award, rewards the winningest team in the entire Conference with, ironically, another trophy. Athletics Director Kristin Parnell said of the achievement, at a May 26th press conference: "We were really only winning to win this award. It was our goal throughout the whole season[...]This plaque is what validates all of our hard-fought victories in actual games, playoffs, and tournaments."
Sports fans will know that the GNAC award is notable in itself--it recently captured the Great Northeast Athletic Conference Commisioner's Cup Commisioner's award for the "Most Redundant Collegiate Award", placing just ahead of the "Most Eating Contests Won" Banquet Dinner. The award ceremony was held in the midst of a Miss America pageant, which was itself being held within an episode of American Idol. All of them are equally frivolous separately, but when nested within each other they became a grand Russian doll of pomp and circumstance.
The Lady Lions held their hard-earned celebratory mixer at a hotel ballroom in Boston, and will be holding a mixer to celebarate the previous mixer's success this August in the same location.

(Source article here. I will never understand the mechanics of awards, but fortunately I will never have to.)

Friday, June 5, 2009

Monday, June 1, 2009

Headline: Barbara Ehrenreich Masturbates All Over UC Commencement Ceremony

Barbara Ehrenreich Masturbates All Over UC Commencement Ceremony
Journalism Students Appalled, Aroused

Berkeley, CA-- Barbara Ehrenreich took the podium at UC Berkeley's School of Journalism Commencement Ceremonies yesterday and welcomed the graduates into "a dying field". She then proceeded to take out her penis and masturbate furiously. Students reportedly felt their dignity, self-confidence, and youthful hope drain from their just-graduated souls as Ehrenreich told them they would never see prosperity or economic comfort in their field. As she blew her load, the reputed journalist told the students that she was getting paid to write about exactly what they were going to become: penniless, disenfranchised shells of human beings, hearts hollowed by the tough economic times faced in our nation. The students were clearly humiliated, tears mingling with semen, but Ms. Ehrenreich was not one to disappoint. Her speech went to inform the students that now that they were graduated journalists they, too, could masturbate about their professions. One by one the fledgling reporters, writers, and editors reached cautiously into their robes and began to pleasure themselves as their fearless commencement speaker went on to tell them: "As long as there is a story to be told, an injustice to be exposed, a mystery to be solved, we will find a way to do it." Nearing the end of her speech, Ms. Ehrenreich jumped down into the front row of students and began jerking off Andy Andrew vigorously. The Class of 2009 raised their voices in a cry of "we will not be stopped!" and came as one all over the soccer field. UC Berkeley's two working-class janitors with five children each and no health insurance were forced to work overtime without pay to clean up the mess.

(Barbara Ehrenreich's commencement speech can be read here.)