Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Welcome Actual Readers

Hello chuckle loving masses, we are glad to have received you, your laugh organs, no doubt all wrinkled and shivering from the chuckles you've received from dangerous exposure to the Greatest Educational Document produced by man, 'Hy Times'.

On our blog, you will see everything from horrific outtakes, to musings, to the 'craft of the month' (courtesy of Hana). This is like, you know when you finish a bowl of cereal, and you look in, and you see a portal to a universe filled with constantly refilling, hyperlinked and properly formatted cereal bowls? Well this is something like that. 

Here are a couple of my personal favorite entries:

Anything I missed? Comment on the post and I'll add it. In anywhoo, welcome one and all. Your comments are appreciated here, and any mention of comic books will result in a wacky argument with this blog's 'beloved' nerd members. Except for the mysterious entity known as 'Chopper Dave', the blogs tend to be signed by the writer in the tags. And remember. Throughout it all, chuckles live on and on. AND ON.

And, by the by, I just want to congratulate Hyena on getting its first Evvy nomination for Hy Times. Although we rub our chins in thought at what to do now, we will simply quote Abraham Lincoln from his speech at Gettysburg: 'WOOOOOOOOO!'

P.S.: There was a 9/11 Entry by Molly Coombs in Hy Times deemed TOO OFFENSIVE to print on paper, and we've decided that only the more resilient format of the INTERNET could handle it. 

Let's hope to see it on here soon.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Dinosaur Porn (or, Tea-Bag Rex)

No one should be greeted by a photo of dinosaurs humping.

Unless you are entering into a dinosaur threesome, and you are in fact a dinosaur.

This text is meant to protect you from the horrors to come.

But isn't pictoral pornography the game of the boor? Let me instead tittilate you with steamy tales of dinosaur affection. Shall we begin?

She enters the clearing, the blood of the mighty stegosaurus swarmed about her face. KRAWWW!, she screams sensually, her heaving scaly tail swinging about, her leathery eyelids seductively open all the way to reveal a delectable dead reptilian eye. Paul wasn't ready for this. After all, he was just a young virgin Pizzasaurus Boy who never knew delivering this freshly killed carcass would get him to sleep with the hottest ODILBW (Older Dinosaur I'd Like to Breed With) this side of the Cretacious. Then he remembered that the cretacious is a time period, and not necessarily a landscape, and thus cannot have sides. This thought promptly killed his erection.

The Odilf however was not stopped by this, and begun a striptease for the boy. However, as dinosaurs do not wear clothes, she prompltly commenced the stripping off of her skin, to reveal the blood and muscles underneath. It trickled through her, her throbbing veins, her small intestine, inviting the young pizzasaurus to enter the mighty realm of vaginal dinosaur intercourse! 'KRAWW', she cried, more invitingly than before.


I hope you got off to that. Because there will someday maybe possibly be MORE TO COME!!!

-- The Ice Age! Is that at all arousing? The Ice Age?
-- Dinosaurs using hapless cavemen as anal beads
-- Raaaar! Raaaar! Raaar!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Tyrannosaurus Sex

one of these has one more bone than the other

UPDATE: The Proof is GONE!

I have bad news, all my dear, dewy-eyed Hyenalings with bold aspirations of Presidentship.
It would seem that, like a poorly-dressed thief who never brushes his hair in the night,
has stolen the one and only copy of Hy Times Magazine!

Let me paint a picture of you, Hyenogs (you know, in the Hychine):

Imagine you're one "Jonathan 'Crazy Face' Terbush" and you've frittered away your precious afternoon losing at Super Smash Brothers to some attractive, witty female friend of yours who so kindly and graciously invited you into her pristine abode.

With no scholarly aspirations other than sucking as much dick as humanly possible in the next three to four years, you are unconcerned about your looming 6 p.m. class - I mean, fuck it, right? When your charming female companion has to cut the games short because, as a responsible, contributing member of society, she has to go to work, you give her some surly backsass and skulk along your merry way to the library, presumably to attempt reacharounds on unsuspecting nappers.

No one seems to enjoy the sensation of your cold, clammy hands on their genitalia, but you are undeterred and it isn't until 5:30 - remember, you have class in a mere half hour, at the TOP of the Tufte Building - that you realize something: You didn't print out 15 copies of the 13 page story (read: utter tripe) you have to pass out to your peers.


It costs $0.07 to print a page on any of the black and white printers on the Emerson campus.
Your story is 13 pages, and you need 15 copies.
That's 195 pages all told!
At $0.07 a page, that's going to cost you $13.65!

Is the Print/Copy Center open? No!
Do you have any money left on your card? Yes! $1.00!

So you're short $12.65 with a half hour left til class!
What do you do?

Remember that lovely, helpful girl from earlier in this tale? Out of the goodness of her large, welcoming heart, she agrees to print the pages out for you - free of charge, of course. Now, pushing through a 195 page print job isn't the sort of thing that generally goes unnoticed, but this girl is as benevolent as a saint, regardless of how feckless and foolish you are.

And how do you repay this kindness?
How can you truly show appreciation to this good samartian who risked her job to disseminate a story about cats that can talk?

PRO TIP: You wait until she's collating the stories (because yeah, she's totally going to do that too, because she's wonderful) and you steal the Hy Times proof out of her backpack! [ Ed. - Actually, it's a messenger bag, to be fair.]

Well, what can you do, HyTimers?
Let's raise a glass to Jon Terbush, the once and perpetual President of Hyena Comedy...

...and join me in smashing them in his smug little face.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I Have Proof!

After a night spent drinking tea and discussing the fickleness of the stock market, Jon and I are pleased to inform you - yes, you! - that the PROOF HAS ARRIVED. In my hot little hands, I hold the first (non-digital, non-PDF, non-disappointment-to-Rubinton) copy of Hy Times to see the light of day.

Let me tell you guys - it's beautiful. I cried a little when I picked it up, fortunately mostly into the neck of a very understanding member of the facilities staff who shared an elevator with me.

For all those curious: I'm keeping it in my room, under intense laser-guided security. My roommates and employees have strict orders preventing any and all interlopers from even catching a glimpse of this fabled magazine. If you think you have what it takes to be the next President of Hyena, I officially dare you to come get it.

Two helpful hints:
1. I live off-campus now, in the second alleyway off of the Chinatown main gate on Beach. I'll be home between 11 p.m. and 4 a.m.
2. My building codes and regulations are pretty weird, so your best plan of attack is to come naked, with money and jewels taped to your body. Just a suggestion.

For all of you (wisely) forgoing my challenge, enjoy this picture of myself, naked, holding the magazine proof!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Comedy or Hatred?

I'd have to say, without a shadow of a doubt, this is one of my favorite Hyena related anythings.
Screw Hylights! Screw Hy Times! Screw 'You Gonna be Suckin' Dick Tonight!' This is where its at!

Well!? Which is it!?


Ladies, gentlemen, and lovers of chuckles.
I do not believe that it is right to wait for a magazine of such giggleocity.
Such yukkleshtuppen, and such giggleocktometer chiseling amber waves.

So I've done it. I've hacked into the Hyena e-mail, and retrieved the Hy Times file.
And I've posted it here, for you, the viewer to read.

And you can click on it right here.

I apologize other members. But the people must giggle!

EDIT: I have now discovered that what I have in fact posted is a Russian edition of the protocols of the Elders of Zion. Some may say that hubris brought me down. But after reading our own publication, I can only blame the Jews.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Alex Firer is the World's Greatest Intern

Hello Potential Alex Firer employers! I am Alex Firer. And I am the greatest intern in the world. I can do all forms of menial activities, from coffee to Rubintons. You do not believe me, here's a quote I'm pretending John Terbush said:

'Alex is a master of coffee and the Rubinton. He is also, by far and wide, the greatest chucklemeister in the world. Now if you don't mind I have to do something very embarrasing involivng this toy poodle. Please look away.'
-Jonothan Terbush, Hyena Editor in Chief, SSN: 814-34-0930

Well I've watched, and the very fact that the poodle shouted my name, is merely another sign of my eternal greatness.

Did you know I myself coined the cool kids' term 'Chimperialism' while masturbating on the moon and filling out my taxes? Because I didn't.

Here are some things I wish my peers said about me.

'He's like a talented version of me.'

'We only wish we could be Alex. But unfortunately this is not something we as mortals could do.'

'He was pretty responsible and got things in on time. He never began to quietly weep at the table and thought no one noticed him. Nope. That's something weird people do.'

I am also master of the poop joke, the superior poop joke, and the super superior poop joke, which is just shoting the word poop as a vein bursts in your forehead. Very very funny.

All in all, I am a hero. Do not let this chance go through your fingers College Humorous Mad Onion Queda Magazine! Do not let this go!

Contain Yourselves, Slobbering Fanboys...

Here at Hyena Comedy, we don't do anything for free.
A Rubinton will cost you, unless you're our respected Prez, in whose hallowed presence we are all so fortunate to be permitted to exist.
We are barely resisting the urge to splash the beautiful, arousing pages of Hy Times magazine all over the Interwebz, for all to see and chortle at, but until the imminent printing of our magazine, we simply must refrain.

Written comedy is not print journalism - we can't just be giving this shit away for free.
Right now, anyway.
Of course, once printed, we'll be giving it away for free.

It makes sense. It's logic. It's science. You wouldn't understand.

But, as we are as benevolent here at Hyena as we are charming and attractive, we give you this teaser image.
Please don't touch, and keep your hands above the waist, yeah?


(P.S. - Alex, please edit your last post. The wrapping's all wrong, and we can't have Internet hooligans thinking we don't know the first thing about HTML. They'll eat our bandwith alive.)

The Greatest Post Ever

I am going to write a post combing all of my favorite tags together.

These tags are... 

cormac mccarthy is an excellent writer,
gonzalo cordova,  
more dick jokes, 
dominatrix stories,
call to arms,
old timey times,
movie reviews,
poop jokes

So let's get all of the nouns out of the way. Gonzalo Cordova, our old Treasurer/VP/All Around Awesome Fella in Watchmen, in advice given by Cormac McCarthy.
So let's go!

‘Gonzalo’s Journal. May 18th. Poop found in an empty alley. Ooh! A dominatrix! Both of these things in the 1920’s can be quite tough. Especially if the dominatrix is a monkey. Monkeys are much stronger than humans. And they don’t understand English. All of my safewords are useless against the might of a dominatrix chimp whipping me in an erotic rage. Hrm. I’m thinking of my penis right now, and all the hilarious things it could do were it given the chance. Unfortunately dicks are rarely given real chances at comedy. Cormac McCarhy I believe observed this in his Oprah Award Winning Novel ‘The Road’. I mean, that’s what that book is about right? The movie version doesn’t come out for a couple of months, but were I to see it, I’d give it 3 out of 5 stars. Didn’t have enough dominatrix chimps. Now I, Gonzalo Cordova, have to stop the doomsday clock. And who’s killing capes? Too many superheroes dead, surrounded by monkey fur and leather handcuffs. In the words of the bible, as interpreted by a man chewing something: 'Hrrmrmrmrm!'’

Greatest post ever!?

Is this funny?

Here is a skit that makes nobody laugh except me! What do you readers think?


This is an 80’s Porn Shoot, complete with shitty jazz music
and the like. Lonely housewife, JAZZMINE, 29, rubs teenage
boy’s PAUL’s, 19, chest. Both are clothed.

Wait a second...

Paul looks down at his crotch. Close up on Paul’s face as he
speaks to the audience.

Guys! I have a boner!
A gorilla suit and a bunch of go go dancers come in and

Paul picks up the phone and dials.

Hello, National Boner Hating
Association! How may I help you?

Guys, I have a boner!

Who is this!? How dare you insult
the Boner Hating Association with
this outrageous phone call! Why I

Paul slams the phone! He runs over to Jazzmine.

I have to put this into my novel!

Paul opens up his moleskin.

Protagonist... has... boner. Yes,
yes, this is very insightful.
Ahh... Hmm. Look out Cormac
McCarthy. Hmm. I don’t think the
Road has any boners, yes. No boners
in ‘The Road’.

Paul closes the moleskin. He smiles for a beat. Then his face
grows morbidly serious.

I hate myself so much.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Longfellow and Mortimer

Hiya folks! It seems a shame for this blog to remain stagnant for so long, but we're busy creating and crafting the ingenius 'Hy Times', Hyena throughout history!

In the meanwhile, here's a very funny film from our old VP, Gonzalo Cordova. I deem it chuckle worthy.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

What I learned in Hyena today

9/11 jokes are offensive.

Jon likes to get drunk, wear women's clothing, and then make people watch him poop.

In Russia, Pokemon catch you.

Merril was obviously a very unpopular African American in the segregated South.

Dan is a dick when it comes to Pokemon (Mewtwo uses Splash!)

The new axis of evil is Molly, Hitler, and the Shamwow guy.