Friday, May 29, 2009

Does He love you?

Ah, the Ghosts of Hyena Past. I have a folder on my desktop labeled 'HYENA!!!' that I like to scroll through anytime I want a cheap chuckle. Seeing all the sadly-deleted outtakes from Hylights reminded me of another great Hyena publication that might have been:

Hymen - Teen Magazine for Girls

Now, I have a couple true comedic gems from this aborted (haha! No, that's not funny. You're a monster) classic, but this little quiz (possibly the first thing I ever wrote for Hyena?) still makes me laugh. Enjoy! Please?

It’s just so hard to be a girl, right? Fashion is fickle – what’s in one minute is out the next. Boys let you down and break your heart. Friends come and go – they’re by your side one day and screening your calls the next. Every day is a constant battle for attention, perfection and that new cute boy in Algebra who’s such a TOTAL hottie when solving complex equations, with the lip-biting and the brow-furrowing. But take all that and shove it in your Dooney & Burke clutch because the fact of the sitch is this: the only opinion that really matters is His. Answer the questions below to see just how much the Big Man Upstairs really cares about you!

1. What’s the biggest mistake you’re made in your life?
A. You got a C that important test
B. Dropping out of high school
C. That third abortion

2. What’s an ideal date for you?
A. 12/25/08
B. “Watching” a movie at his place
C. The backseat of his car

3. What Biblical figure are you the most like?
A. The Virgin Mary. Pretty self-explanatory.
B. Delilah. Hey, everyone makes mistakes, right?
C. Queen Jezabel. Wikipedia me, heretics.

4. For your birthday, you’d LOVE…
A. Quality time with my besties.
B. A date night with the boy I’m crushing on!
C. More ketamine.

5. Favorite weekend activity?
A. Going to church
B. Shopping with my grrls!
C. Anal

6. Do you believe that people are inherently good or that they’re subject to their evil, basic, more animalistic instincts?
A. People are good. That’s what the Bible says.
B. Umm…whatever?
C. The issue of the intricacies of the human psyche is not so easily defined. While it easily argued that as mammals, humans are little more than high-order, sentient animals, it should also be noted that the power to think in the abstract allows for an advanced sense of right and wrong simply not found in other species.

7. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A. At an Ivy League, hopefully!
B. Working at the local Stop-N-Shop
C. Barefoot and pregnant

8. If you could pick any phrase that describes you, what would it be?
A. Easy to love
B. Easy to please
C. Easy

The Results:

Mostly As – Of course he loves you. You’re doing everything right, honey! However, He does think it’s a little TOO much sometime. Please go out and get laid already.

Mostly Bs – Sure, you’ve got flaws, but no sweat – He loves you anyway. He also thinks you’re an idiot. I know for sure. He told me.

Mostly Cs – Yeah, yeah, He loves you too. He might be the only one.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Historical Friction

This is a cartoon I drew one day at Hyena based on something Jon said.

He's just a treasure trove of Luddite jokes

More Incredibly Old Unused Jokes

Remember this? This was suppoused to go into the Hylights', and the idea originally was that the real prize was a blow job, but due to a printing error EVERYONE GOT A TICKET!!! OH NO! HOW WILL WE GIVE THAT MANY BLOW JOBS! I guess we got rid of that joke though.

Very old Deleted Scene

I was cleaning out my e-mail today, and found this. I think its pretty cool, this is a deleted motivational poster from Hylights (which was produced about two years ago.) I think Dan Christensen or Mike Lore wrote this joke, and I did the art.

Since this is a rough, the joke doesn't come through as well. The idea was that the poster would have three very similar guys, two of them are holding an orange, one a banana, with the words 'Orange you suppoused to be working' at the top. That's actually exactly what's on there, except for the diffirent fruit. 

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Molly's 9/11 Adventures: Chapter One

Coming Soon from Regent Books, based on the hit Blogger Tag.

Molly's 9/11 Adventures
A Molly Coombs Girl Detective Novel 
Chapter One by Children's Author/America's Favorite Pervert Alex 'The Emiko' Firer

It was a bright January morning, the year was 2001, and America was soon to enter a glorious new age of prosperity and glory under its newfound president and Emperor George Walker Bush. As the mighty leader sat on his throne he commanded to his humorously bungling cabinet: 'Gentlemen, I do not want to repeat the errors of the past administration. So number one, nobody blow me.' The cabinet solmenly nodded their heads in reluctant approval, Rumsfeld himself stifling a tear*. 'Now what super important things should I know before I take office?' Cheney approached the president, plants around him wilting as he passed them, and handed him a document containing a laserdisk. 'Mr. President, upon this laserdisk is contained very frightening DVD footage which may be a portent! Our country, without our involvement, may be under attack in the next two years  by radical Islamic terrorists! It is up to us to up airport security and protect the lives of innocent Americans. lest we involve the nation in an imbroglio that has not been seen ever before in all of our history!' The President rubbed his chin. 'Kikenose McGee**, you got some good points there, but if I busy myself with this, animals may get the right to vote! And this just cannot be!' Colin Powell slyly winked at the cabinet, so they keep mum on Supreme Court Ruling 'Bojangles v. The Voting Laws of California'. The President turned around and grinned. 'Plus, I'm finally teaching myself to read!' Bush then whipped out a copy of 'Are You My Mother' from his drawer and looked at it with love. Condoleeze Rice stepped forward 'Now Mr. President, you know this knowledge will lead you to nothing but trouble.' Bush laughed her off and looked deep into the pictures. 'Books teach me a lot, and if Nancy Drew taught me anything, these kinds of matters are best handled by little girls and their hilariously charming friends. So find me a little girl! But if this administration is about one thing, its about hipness! Find me this lass of hipster potential!' 'Sir yes sir', the cabinter shouted and all tried to make their way out of the door at the same time, getting stuck in it for a hilarious 20 seconds, and then making their way out, to enact Bush's glorious mission.

MEANWHILE! AT HIPSTER JUNIOR HIGH, a private school named after John Q Hipster (seen here), a young sixth grader and amateur sleuth, Molly Coombs (6th grade, right? Year 2001?), was busy getting ready for her HIPSTERS IN HISTORY midterm when the PA system rang out: 'Molly Coombs! This is Principal Trendington! Ms. Coombs! The President needs your help!' Molly's hero needed her help! Molly, saluted the P.A. in the hippest manner imaginable and ran off to her new adventure!

TO BE CONTINUED!!!! (By anyone. Y'all! Continue this!)

*Famously, Rupert Murdoch would break this edict on more than a couple of occasions.
**The President's endearing nickname for Cheney

paranoid like freud

Well, since we're sharing weird Hyena-related dreams now, a week or so ago I dreamt a dream in which I was in some sort of hospital room, in bed with a friend of mine while Jon was in the bed next to me trying to make love to a sweet old lady.

Analyze that you failures!

Caveman Cartoon with Original Caption!

The Original Caveman Puberty/Evolution Cartoon with Original Caption! Just like momma used to make! Selling for $5,000 on Ebay! Embrace this touching awkward family moment at your own risk! (careful, it's sticky)

Following Molly's Update

Here's my vacation update in super exciting Jersey.
Apparently, this joke blog has also become something of a normal blog update about our days (I can handle that!).

Things that are cool in New Jersey:
1) Homemade food (provided by my mom)
2) Pronouncing "fragile" like "Brazil" (provided by my mom)
3) Thinking that R&B stands for Rock & Ballade (provided by my mom)
4) Racist jokes toward my mom (all me)
5) Using the word "orientals" to describe Asians (provided by my mom)

Things that suck about New Jersey:
1) Everything else
2) Not Rachel
3) Tam.
4) Not Tam's jokes about Alex.

Awesome dreams I've had:
1) We had a hyena party at my mansion (made entirely out of magic). Alex would not stop jumping on the bed, so Jon threatened to let the dogs loose on him.

Jon let the dogs loose on him.

Justin was drunk and flirting with Molly (who, in this dream, took on the form of Whoopi Goldberg).
Ren's tattoos started flying away from her body and she made an "urrgghh!!" sound because she just wasted money on tattoos that flew away.... AGAIN.

2) I was in a pokemon battle and I had two pokemon named Fat Man and Little Boy.

We better keep up the jokes.
Otherwise I'm going to start vlogging about my days.


Friday, May 22, 2009

Update from Molly's Vacation, No. 1

Many things have happened since I bid you all a drunken farewell at the Last Final End-of-the-Year Hyena Party Part II. I have consumed a number of questionable substances to varying degrees of success (varying between 'awesome' and 'awesomekickasserton') but I have neither the time or short-term memory to relate them to you here - check them out in my forthcoming memoirs "Nicotine and Willpower" due out in fall '10 on Regnery Books. That's a political joke, chucklemites.

This, however, happened about 10 minutes ago over our second poorman's pina colada (for future reference, what makes them milky-colored? Is it milk? I hate milk. Mine's disappointingly orange in color but delightfully rum-my.)

Apparently, all varieties of drugs hit suburban Delware in the 50s and 60s with sudden force and my devil-may-care mother indulged her fair share. What does this mean, exactly?

My mother was born in 1952.
She was 15 in 1967.

Why is this relevant?

My mother tried heroin. Intervenously. When she was 15 years old.

Now, I've never injected heroin, but my surviving peers who have insist its like this:

(i.e. Totally sweet)

My mother, on the other hand, insists that it was more like this:

(i.e. Passed out from five hours)

Enough! I have more drinking and eventual driving to get to! I was mostly just tired of checking this blog with such high hopes only to see Alex's damn dinosaur puns again.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Excised Pun Dinosaurs

Bonersaurus (drawn! But alas, Charollete Bronte's head is over the tip! As the tip is the most sensitive part, its feeling were very much hurt, and it weeped deep into the night.)


Deleted Bits: Alternate Plague Write-Up

I co wrote this with Hana, but we both decided to discard it because it just wasn't shaping up to be, how do you call it, not anti-semmetic. As both a Jew and a mouse I kind found the subject to be in the spectrum of: meh! The idea was that the anti-semites who blames the Jews for the plague, and the scientists who blame the rats were BOTH right, as the plague was caused by Jewish rats. Here it is:

Although the origins of the plague remain uncertain to this day, there are two schools of thinking for it: that the plague was caused by rats and that the plague was caused by the Jews. The asnwer, like all rat related material, lies somewhere in the perilous middle. In fact it was Jewish Rats, scientific name ‘Rattus Judacus’ who caused the plague. Literally, Jewish Rats. Rats who did not believe in Jesus, or even his rat counterpart Cheesus, and use the Torah, which to them was called the Torat. On an unrelated note, Rats aslo eat Mottzerella Ball Soup, have Rat Mitzvahs, and congratulate each other with a cry of ‘Mousel Tov’. But that’s unrelated note.
Led by an unrepentant yet religious leader, Feivel Mouseckewitz, the Mice of Jerusalm came West to Eastern Europe to escape many anti-semmetic (or should I say SeMOUSEic) cats, Egyptians and Hurricanes, but found them hailed by the anti-semmetic cry of ‘Eeeeek! A Mouse!’ The Mice of Jerusalem (or should I say JEWrusalem. No, I guess that’s kind of self-explanatory) have decided to fight against the Human Gentile Menace, which to them was called SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK! They came here to find jobs, but only two jobs were available to rats of the Hebrew faith, Hollywood Producer and plague spreaders, but with film not to be invented for another 500 years, they took up the job of the plague spreader.

Actually I really like part of this. Hopefully someday, someone will look at this and go: 'Chuck Chuck Chuck Chuck Chuck...le!'

Deleted Bit: Who's on Steroids?

This is a bit deleted from Hy Times, the modern times section. I think it was deleted for space, but one can never be sure. I assume it was deleted because it was far too funny (which is why most of my stuff gets edited I assume.)

Its a good, short little bit. Here it is:

Abbott: Who’s on steroids?

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who's on steroids, What's on HGH, I Don't Know's shamed all of Major League baseball!.

Costello: What shamed all of major league baseball?!

Abbot: No, what’s on HGH! 

Costello: Fine, I don’t care about any of that. We have to move forward. Who’s batting first?

Abbot: No! Who can’t bat! He’s talking to house subcongressional commitee tomorrow regarding his constant steroid abuse!

Costello: Who’s talking to the subcongressional comitee!?

Abbot: That’s right who!

Costello: G’ohhhhh!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Fun with Paintbrush (a fond farewell to terbush)

Jon is a Blockhead. Molly is surprised.

Jon is a Luddite. Molly is in it for the fashion.

Jon is not amused. Molly is irrelevant.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


So I was in the bathroom today, thinking about Jon (not erotically asphyxiating myself) and I was so overcome (come) with emotion that I slipped and hit my chin. I promptly had a vision of the flux capacitor. Then I went to the hospital and got stitches. Then I continued to think about Jon and how much I will miss him.

Saturday, May 2, 2009