Friday, May 29, 2009

Does He love you?

Ah, the Ghosts of Hyena Past. I have a folder on my desktop labeled 'HYENA!!!' that I like to scroll through anytime I want a cheap chuckle. Seeing all the sadly-deleted outtakes from Hylights reminded me of another great Hyena publication that might have been:

Hymen - Teen Magazine for Girls

Now, I have a couple true comedic gems from this aborted (haha! No, that's not funny. You're a monster) classic, but this little quiz (possibly the first thing I ever wrote for Hyena?) still makes me laugh. Enjoy! Please?

It’s just so hard to be a girl, right? Fashion is fickle – what’s in one minute is out the next. Boys let you down and break your heart. Friends come and go – they’re by your side one day and screening your calls the next. Every day is a constant battle for attention, perfection and that new cute boy in Algebra who’s such a TOTAL hottie when solving complex equations, with the lip-biting and the brow-furrowing. But take all that and shove it in your Dooney & Burke clutch because the fact of the sitch is this: the only opinion that really matters is His. Answer the questions below to see just how much the Big Man Upstairs really cares about you!

1. What’s the biggest mistake you’re made in your life?
A. You got a C that important test
B. Dropping out of high school
C. That third abortion

2. What’s an ideal date for you?
A. 12/25/08
B. “Watching” a movie at his place
C. The backseat of his car

3. What Biblical figure are you the most like?
A. The Virgin Mary. Pretty self-explanatory.
B. Delilah. Hey, everyone makes mistakes, right?
C. Queen Jezabel. Wikipedia me, heretics.

4. For your birthday, you’d LOVE…
A. Quality time with my besties.
B. A date night with the boy I’m crushing on!
C. More ketamine.

5. Favorite weekend activity?
A. Going to church
B. Shopping with my grrls!
C. Anal

6. Do you believe that people are inherently good or that they’re subject to their evil, basic, more animalistic instincts?
A. People are good. That’s what the Bible says.
B. Umm…whatever?
C. The issue of the intricacies of the human psyche is not so easily defined. While it easily argued that as mammals, humans are little more than high-order, sentient animals, it should also be noted that the power to think in the abstract allows for an advanced sense of right and wrong simply not found in other species.

7. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A. At an Ivy League, hopefully!
B. Working at the local Stop-N-Shop
C. Barefoot and pregnant

8. If you could pick any phrase that describes you, what would it be?
A. Easy to love
B. Easy to please
C. Easy

The Results:

Mostly As – Of course he loves you. You’re doing everything right, honey! However, He does think it’s a little TOO much sometime. Please go out and get laid already.

Mostly Bs – Sure, you’ve got flaws, but no sweat – He loves you anyway. He also thinks you’re an idiot. I know for sure. He told me.

Mostly Cs – Yeah, yeah, He loves you too. He might be the only one.


  1. This is very funny stuff. We could still use it...

  2. I recall another great idea for Hymen, was that we were going to interview Senator Barney Frank on real politic issues, and title it INTERVIEW WITH A REAL BOY!

    We could stll do Hymen, but with Em Magazine out, its going to be stiff competition for 'Most Surreal Teen Magazine Like Thingy'.

    We could do 'Biggest Rebels', and have it be like THIS KID KEEPS VEGAN (SOMETIMES).

    Man. I'm psyched.