Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Alex Firer is the World's Greatest Intern

Hello Potential Alex Firer employers! I am Alex Firer. And I am the greatest intern in the world. I can do all forms of menial activities, from coffee to Rubintons. You do not believe me, here's a quote I'm pretending John Terbush said:

'Alex is a master of coffee and the Rubinton. He is also, by far and wide, the greatest chucklemeister in the world. Now if you don't mind I have to do something very embarrasing involivng this toy poodle. Please look away.'
-Jonothan Terbush, Hyena Editor in Chief, SSN: 814-34-0930

Well I've watched, and the very fact that the poodle shouted my name, is merely another sign of my eternal greatness.

Did you know I myself coined the cool kids' term 'Chimperialism' while masturbating on the moon and filling out my taxes? Because I didn't.

Here are some things I wish my peers said about me.

'He's like a talented version of me.'

'We only wish we could be Alex. But unfortunately this is not something we as mortals could do.'

'He was pretty responsible and got things in on time. He never began to quietly weep at the table and thought no one noticed him. Nope. That's something weird people do.'

I am also master of the poop joke, the superior poop joke, and the super superior poop joke, which is just shoting the word poop as a vein bursts in your forehead. Very very funny.

All in all, I am a hero. Do not let this chance go through your fingers College Humorous Mad Onion Queda Magazine! Do not let this go!


  1. He's not The World's Greatest Intern. Of course he makes mistakes.

  2. I'll hire you, Alex.
    My secretary Cattie is going to London for the next couple days and I need someone to put pre-lit cigarettes in my mouth and to tell me how beautiful and hilarious I am on an hourly (or half-hourly, depending on my mood) basis.
    I will not pay you.
    In fact, you have to pay me for the privilege of being my secretary. It's only logical.
    You interested?

  3. Alright. But no butt stuff.
    And if there is butt stuff, it has to be creative butt stuff.
    I will not settle for anything in the middle!

  4. Sounds like something Rubinton would say.

    Also, what would the middle stuff for the butt be?
    Lower intestines?

  5. The middle stuff would be Molly gets a hamster to pop out of my bellybutton, a la Alien.