McSweeney's Rejected This Piece For A Reason

Hello Guys (Girls),

I wrote this fake (ie: faux) letter a few weeks ago and thought it would be a great idea to submit it to McSwenney's Internet Tendency for some reason. Luckily, they didn't publish it, which is good for them and everyone that supports Dave Eggers (ie: everyone). However, because I have such contempt for Hyena and all that is stands for, I'm going to post it on this blog. I expect my blogging rights to be swiftly revoked within the next few hours, so I will spend what little time I have left on the Internet watching porn and funny cat videos.


Dear NBC,

Hello the National Broadcasting Company, my name is Kevin Cuggar. You're probably wondering to yourself, "Hey, who is this Kevin Cuggar? He can't possibly be NBC's next David Hyde Pierce!" Well, I've got news for you. I AM your next David Hyde Pierce (but I'm willing to settle for Michael Gross)! Now you're probably wondering to yourself, "Okay, so maybe this Kevin Cuggar is the next David Hyde Pierce (or Michael Gross). But that doesn't mean he's got an awesome idea for a sitcom that will totally revolutionize the network and save us from ratings hell, right?" Well, wrong again asshole! I DO have an awesome idea for a sitcom that'll save your shitty network (I know we just met, but have some faith in me)! But before I pitch the show that'll save NBC, I'd like to tell you a bit about myself.

I am 41 years old and currently employed at a Best Buy located in Southington, CT. I have worked there for over ten years, and consider myself an expert on what shows appeal to the American public. I know what DVD's sell and which ones don't (Hint: Not everybody seems to love Raymond). Now I know what you're thinking, "Gee, what's a brilliant media critic like Kevin Cuggar doing stuck in a dead-end job like that?" But working at Best Buy isn't so bad. Sure, my co-workers are constantly ignoring my requests to combine the Chevy Chase movies with the Dan Aykroyd movies to make a Chevy Chase/Dan Aykroyd hybrid section, but other than that, it can be quite pleasant at times. Anyway, enough about myself, let's talk about the show that will save your network!

My working title for the show is called "Cuggar Town" (this is nothing like ABC's "Cougar Town" starring Courtney Cox because I came up with this idea years ago). It stars an up-and-coming go-getter named Kevin Cuggar (played by the real Kevin Cuggar), who lives in Northington, CT and works at Great Purchase, the country's largest consumer electronics retailer. He is the manager at Great Purchase, and all of his co-workers respect him and his decisions, like the time he combined the Chevy Chase movies with the Dan Aykroyd movies to make an awesome Chevy Chase/Dan Aykroyd hybrid section. They also don't mind that he used one of the store's Macbook's that one time to look at Internet porn. Kevin Cuggar also has a love interest, which will be played by Courtney Cox once ABC's inferior "Cougar Town" gets cancelled. I plan on starring, writing, producing, and directing everyone of "Cuggar Town"'s 250 episodes. Please contact Jerry Bruckheimer as soon as possible because I would like him to executive produce the show.

I have also come up with numerous taglines that will be used to promote the show, such as, "Look what the Cuggar dragged in!" and "This Cuggar's got claws!" So far, I have written 47 scripts for "Cuggar Town" and I plan on mailing at least 23 of them to your New York offices. I will also send you a VHS copy of the "Cuggar Town" pilot. Please do not judge the show based on the pilot alone, as it is only five minutes long and the majority of the footage is of me lounging in the bathtub. Thank you for considering my offer, and I look forward to hearing from you very soon.

- Kevin Cuggar

P.S.: I'll be coming up to your New York offices to personally give you what will be the 24 remaining "Cuggar Town" scripts next week. You can treat me to lunch while I'm up there (I'm partial to P.F. Chang's, but I'll settle for Friendly's). See you soon!